Dear Abby: Husband's Youthful Appearance Creates Strain in Long-Term Marriage
A 71-year-old woman has reached out to the renowned advice columnist Dear Abby, expressing deep frustration over her husband's remarkably youthful looks and the resulting tension in their four-decade-long marriage. The wife, who identifies herself as "Mr. Handsome's Wife," describes her 76-year-old husband as appearing no older than 60, with a full head of minimally greyed hair, no facial wrinkles, and a fit physique.
In stark contrast, the wife acknowledges that she looks her age or possibly older, with greying hair she refuses to dye and pronounced facial wrinkles and turkey neck. She attributes these signs of aging to years of stress and disappointment caused by her husband, whom she has lived with for 40 years.
Public Encounters Amplify Private Insecurities
The core issue arises when the couple is out in public together. Strangers frequently comment on the husband's youthful appearance, expressing shock or surprise at his age. These remarks leave the wife feeling invisible and, worse, as if she is perceived as his mother. She writes, "I'm left sitting right there feeling as if they think I'm his mother."
Following such encounters, the husband engages in prolonged mirror-gazing, repeatedly reminding his wife how fortunate she is to be married to such a handsome man. The wife notes that while her husband has always had ego issues, this behavior has intensified recently, prompting her to seek Abby's guidance on a response that might help him "get over himself."
Abby's Insight: Insecurity, Not Ego, Drives the Behavior
In her response, Abby offers a psychological perspective, suggesting that compulsive mirror-staring is often a sign of deep-seated insecurity rather than mere vanity. She questions whether the husband explicitly states the wife's luck or if this is her interpretation of his actions.
Abby emphasizes that both individuals are products of their genetics. She advises the wife that if she feels distressed by perceived comparisons, she might consider consulting a dermatologist to explore simple procedures that could boost her self-confidence. However, the underlying message focuses on addressing the emotional dynamic rather than physical appearance alone.
A Second Letter Highlights More Severe Domestic Issues
The column also features another letter from a woman identifying as "Uneasy in the East," detailing a volatile domestic situation. Her husband, in his 60s, has allowed his younger brother to live in their mother's house for 35 years, with the brother repeatedly promising to move out but never doing so.
When the wife attempts to discuss the possibility of squatter's rights, her husband becomes verbally abusive and threatening. The situation has escalated to physical violence, including an incident where he kicked their dog, and the presence of loaded weapons in the home adds a layer of danger.
Abby's Urgent Advice for a Dangerous Situation
Abby responds with grave concern, urging the woman to prioritize her safety immediately. She states that the husband's escalating behavior poses a direct risk, warning, "The next time he becomes violent, instead of kicking the dog, he may hurt you."
She provides concrete steps: contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for assistance in safely escaping, consulting an attorney to explore legal protections, and filing a police report regarding the threatening behavior. Abby concludes firmly, "He may not be able to afford a divorce, but you can't afford not to get one."
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, continuing the legacy founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. The column remains a trusted source for those seeking advice on personal and relational challenges.
