Sex Therapists Disclose Their Personal Bedroom Deal-Breakers and Boundaries
Sex therapists are specialized professionals who address a broad spectrum of intimate concerns through therapeutic dialogue. They assist clients in navigating issues such as low libido, performance anxiety, sexual shame, and difficulties achieving orgasm, among others. Additionally, they guide individuals in exploring sexuality, fantasies, kinks, and non-monogamous relationship structures. Drawing from their extensive expertise, we inquired with these experts about what they personally steer clear of in the bedroom. Here are their insights.
I Would Never Try Something New Without a Partner’s Consent
Sex therapist Tom Murray emphasizes that one of his cardinal rules is to never experiment in the bedroom without first discussing it with his partner and obtaining their explicit approval. “The realm of intimate relationships is wide and diverse, providing endless opportunities to discover joy, pleasure and connection. But exploring new ground without consent from both parties may cause unease, betrayals of confidence and even injury,” Murray, author of “Making Nice With Naughty,” explained. He highlights that conversations about sexual desires and boundaries foster respect, ensure alignment, and build anticipation. “A good sexual relationship depends on this kind of conversation because it ensures that any exploration is grounded in permission and mutual curiosity, strengthening the connection and enhancing the experience for both parties,” he added.
I Would Never Fake an Orgasm
Sex therapist Mary Hellstrom, clinical supervisor at The Expansive Group, refuses to pretend she is having an orgasm. “Our culture is very ‘results’ focused, even and especially when it comes to sex. Some of the best sex I’ve had hasn’t included a point of climax for me or my partner,” she noted. In fact, avoiding faking orgasms is a personal boundary she has established. “[It] helps me to center my experience of pleasure and de-center the expectation that ‘good sex’ always has to include an earth-shattering orgasm,” she said. “Less pressure equals more fun.”
I Don’t Police My Partner’s Sexual Fantasies
Sex therapist Nazanin Moali, host of the “Sexology” podcast, does not attempt to control her partner’s fantasies nor feel threatened by them. She points out that fantasies are a natural aspect of human sexuality, and it is important to remember that not everyone wishes to act them out. “Various factors, such as our environment, stress levels, life stage and childhood experiences, contribute to what arouses us,” Moali said. “It’s common for our partners to have fantasies that may not involve us, and for most individuals, having a fantasy doesn’t imply a breach of the relationship agreement. Embracing our unique desires and understanding the complexity of our sexual selves can enhance the intimacy and connection we share.”
I Would Never Shame My Partner for What They’re Into
Sex therapist Incia A. Rashid of The Expansive Group avoids making insensitive remarks about a partner’s interests that could induce shame. “In the sex therapy world, we have a phrase that goes, ‘Don’t yuck someone else’s yum,’” she stated. “Causing someone to experience shame will undo their sense of safety. This applies to all aspects of intimacy, such as how a person presents themselves to their partners or suggestions for exploration from their partners.” Rashid has worked with female-identifying clients who face shaming over minor details like pubic hair grooming or lingerie choices. “You cannot experience true sexual freedom if you are being shamed,” she emphasized.
Nor Would I Shame Myself for Letting My Mind Wander During Sex
As a sex therapist, Hellstrom does not criticize herself for occasionally having mental fantasies during sexual activity. While being fully present is ideal, “it’s also completely normal for the mind to wander when we’re in the transcendental space of the erotic,” she explained. “If my mind starts down a path of remembering past moments or fantasizing about new scenarios during sex, I allow my mind to journey down those paths without judgment,” Hellstrom said. “This also allows me to gently return my attention to the present moment when I’m ready to do so. Less shame equals more fun!”
I Don’t Blame Myself for a Partner’s Erection Issues
Moali does not assume responsibility for her partner’s erectile difficulties unless explicitly communicated. She notes that people often personalize such issues, exacerbating the situation, when factors like stress, sleep problems, or physiological conditions may be at play. “It doesn’t reflect on someone’s attractiveness or chemistry if your partner is facing challenges; it could simply be a result of a bad night’s sleep,” Moali clarified. “Instead of pulling away or ignoring the issue, a better approach is to ask them, ‘How can I support you right now?’ Let’s foster a supportive environment!”
I Don’t Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations About Sex
Sex therapist Janet Brito, founder of The Sexual Health School, prioritizes emotional intimacy and open communication regarding sexual preferences. Although these discussions can be challenging, they are crucial for a fulfilling sex life. “It’s essential to discuss what brings pleasure and address any obstacles openly and compassionately,” she said. “My aim is to avoid criticism and instead focus on expressing needs and desires while enhancing arousal through intimate, kind and affirming acts. This fosters a positive cycle of connection, thereby enhancing sexual intimacy.”
