Michelle Obama Urges Couples to Exercise Patience Before Cohabitation
Former First Lady Michelle Obama has shared her perspective on relationship timing, strongly advising couples against rushing to share a living space early in their partnership. During a recent episode of "IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson," the podcast she co-hosts with her brother, Obama responded to a listener's question about whether to move in with a partner after one year of dating.
Time as the Ultimate Relationship Test
Obama explained that as a general principle, she believes couples should avoid making such significant commitments during the initial stages of a relationship. "Wait a couple of years," she recommended, adding, "You don't do anything that serious in an early part of a relationship."
The "Becoming" author distinguished between immediate attraction and lasting love, noting that while people might experience "deep like at first sight," genuine love typically requires time to develop. "Love to me, in most instances, because there's always exceptions, it takes time to fully have somebody reveal themselves to you over time to know whether or not your affections and your feelings stand the test of time," Obama elaborated. "There's so many tests you need in a relationship."
She highlighted specific experiences that can provide valuable insights into a partner's character, including traveling together and visiting each other's family homes during holidays. These situations, Obama suggested, reveal how individuals handle conflict and interact with their own families.
"I mean, I just think ... time reveals so much," Obama reflected, while acknowledging that exceptions certainly exist. She noted knowing many people in "great relationships" who progressed quickly early on. "That happens, for sure," she said. "But my recommendation is always, take some time, make moving in, like, way down the line."
Relationship Experts Weigh In on Cohabitation Considerations
For those seeking additional perspectives beyond Obama's advice, licensed marriage and family therapists offer professional guidance on what couples should evaluate before making the decision to live together.
Racine R. Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified clinical trauma professional, suggests that relationship duration may be less critical than the motivations behind cohabitation. "Studies show that cohabitation has replaced marriage as a final step in a relationship and that those couples who live together prior to getting married divorce at lower rates," Henry told HuffPost.
Henry emphasized the importance of avoiding situations where cohabitation creates unhealthy power dynamics, particularly if one partner becomes financially dependent on the other. "If the partner with the purse strings is malicious or vindictive, this is probably not someone you want to live with because they can retaliate by withholding," she cautioned.
For couples considering relocation as part of moving in together, Henry recommends developing plans for establishing new local support systems and maintaining long-distance relationships with friends and family.
Before taking the cohabitation step, Henry believes couples should demonstrate the ability to discuss crucial topics including:
- Financial arrangements and responsibilities
- Family planning expectations
- Leisure time allocation
- Holiday celebration plans
"Otherwise, they probably are not ready to live together," Henry concluded.
Cindy Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks, believes the decision to cohabitate depends more on shared expectations and goals than specific timing. "Some couples relate to each other quickly and have values and goals that align," Johnson explained. "Others need to take time to assess the goals and values before they feel safe making that decision."
Essential Questions Before Sharing a Home
Johnson recommends individuals ask themselves fundamental questions about their relationship goals before moving in together. Is the ultimate objective marriage? A long-term commitment without marriage? Financial savings through shared expenses?
She suggests considering these key questions:
- Do my goals align with my partner's goals?
- How will we share our living space?
- How will we resolve disagreements?
- How will we divide household duties and expenses?
Henry adds several additional considerations, including how couples would handle unexpected unemployment affecting financial contributions, how to split costs fairly, how to balance individual and shared time, expectations for domestic labor, guidelines for guests, and which personal items will transition to the shared space.
The Potential Benefits and Challenges of Cohabitation
Henry identifies several potential advantages to living together, including increased opportunities for connection and intimacy. "You don't have to plan as much for time spent together," she noted. "Instead of packing a bag or commuting to each other, it can be as simple as having a meal together or spending a weekend at home."
Cohabitation also provides more comprehensive insight into a partner's daily habits and personality. "You get to see your partner in more contexts than you may have before," Henry said. "Are they cranky in the morning? Do they keep the kitchen clean? There's more vulnerability in cohabitation, and you can get a deeper sense of the kind of life partner they may be in the future."
However, Henry warns that reality may not align with expectations, potentially straining relationships. "Couples often think 'we'll see each other all the time!' only to find that conflicting work and social schedules make the reality align more with the version of their relationship when they didn't live together than they imagined," she observed.
Living together can reveal previously hidden habits or issues, including addictions, hygiene concerns, communication problems, control dynamics, and mismatched goals. "It may also reveal expectations or cultural beliefs that were previously irrelevant or hidden," Henry added.
Johnson notes that cohabitation forces couples to confront each other's complete selves, including grooming habits, cleaning routines, and sleep patterns. This exposure can either increase annoyance or deepen intimacy and connection.
Changing Social Norms Around Cohabitation
Johnson observes that contemporary society increasingly expects couples to live together before marriage. "As divorce rates continue to be high, people find that it makes sense to test things out before committing," she explained. Financial considerations also play a significant role, with many couples seeking relief by sharing housing expenses.
"There is less stigma around premarital sex and more people are open to long-term relationships without marriage," Johnson added, reflecting shifting social attitudes.
Henry believes modern society has become less rigid about relationship milestones. "We have, thankfully, moved away from defining family according to Eurocentric standards and have embraced the collectivist nature of providing for each other versus a label or title dictating what a person deserves," she said.
She attributes these changes to multiple factors, including increased life expectancy, greater workforce participation by women, and more fluid definitions of love and partnership. "I like to think that people have started to mind their own business more and become less encumbered by what their neighbor has going on in their household," Henry concluded.
