Several years ago, actor Jemima Kirke hosted a Q&A on Instagram Stories and delivered a blunt response to a fan asking for advice for "unconfident young women." Kirke replied, "I think you guys might be thinking about yourselves too much." The answer, layered over a selfie, became an instant meme.
While Kirke's response may seem harsh, the truth is that some people do think about themselves excessively. The key is distinguishing healthy self-centeredness or self-reflection from detrimental behavior.
What Clinicians Look For
"Every single one of us can be self-centered or attention-seeking or defensive or maybe even insensitive at times," said Sandra Yankah Addo, a psychologist at The Black Girl Doctor. "What clinicians are looking for is a persistent pattern that shows up repeatedly across relationships and situations over many years."
Below, therapists share signs that you think about yourself too much to the point it's affecting your life — and maybe even teetering on the edge of narcissism.
1. You Have Trouble Maintaining Relationships
If your selfishness makes it hard to maintain relationships, that is a sign of excessive self-focus, according to Yankah Addo. "Reciprocity and being interested in other individuals is really central to having close and personal relationships with other people," she said.
This doesn't mean having one cousin you don't talk to or an ex-friend. Rather, relationship trouble would exist across all types of relationships — at work, with friends, and family.
2. You Struggle to Show Interest in Others
"I think most people spend a pretty significant amount of time thinking about themselves, but the most important question is whether they can also make room for other people's thoughts, feelings and needs," Yankah Addo said. "Self-focus itself is not inherently unhealthy, and in fact, there are periods and stages in life where an increase in self and self-focus is normal and healthy."
This includes stressful times, major life transitions, illness, and career changes. "The concern is when self-focus becomes more chronic and comes at the expense of things like empathy, accountability, or reciprocal relationships," she added.
3. You Can't Handle Not Being the Center of Attention
Someone who is too self-centered always finds a way to turn conversations back to themselves. For example, a friend listening to you talk about your upcoming marathon might interrupt to discuss the time they ran a 5K. While natural back-and-forth in conversation is normal, with excessive self-focus, the topic always revolves around them.
"If you're not disproportionately becoming upset when you're not the center of attention or having to constantly seek validation or reassurance or even just admiration from people around you," said Yankah Addo, you likely aren't struggling with this problem.
Someone who thinks about themselves too much is "consistently centering themselves, minimizing the experience of others," said Danielle Costanzo, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Havn Therapy Collective in Philadelphia. It's not the occasional self-focused anecdote but a constant pattern of turning conversations into stories about you.
4. You Can't Apologize or Take Accountability
A big sign of excessive self-focus is having conflicts but not being able to reach resolution or repair, according to Costanzo. "If someone is overly self-focused, they can often have difficulty taking accountability or really apologizing well without over-explaining, defending themselves, minimizing the other person's experience or recentering themselves," she said.
Instead of a straightforward apology, someone too self-focused might say, "Well, I guess I'm a shitty friend" or "I guess I can't do anything right," Costanzo said. This brings the apology back to them instead of creating accountability. This also ties to a lack of empathy, according to Yankah Addo. "Unless you're someone that genuinely struggles to take accountability when you've hurt someone, you likely are not within that spectrum of what we would think of as being even close to having [narcissistic personality disorder]," she said.
Healthy Self-Focus vs. Harmful Self-Focus
Focusing on your own needs, behaviors, and boundaries can be healthy when not done in excess. "Interestingly, self-focus, being self-reflective, can sometimes be … really connective," Costanzo explained.
Self-reflection can help build relationships. For example, if you worry you said something bothersome after lunch with a friend and follow up, it can bring your bond closer. "Taking accountability for something you might have noticed about a social interaction, that's a positive consequence of self-focus, whereas over self-focus is damaging to relationships," Costanzo added.
For some, any self-focus may feel uncomfortable. "Any amount of self-focus or self-advocacy is bound to feel selfish in the context of a life where you've been self-sacrificing the entire time or focused only on others," Costanzo said. It's healthy to be selfish and consider your needs first in certain situations, allowing you to set necessary boundaries and be attuned to your own needs.
"I think that's something I often find myself sort of gently nudging clients on, it's like, no, you're not in your 'villain era,' this is a healthy amount of selfishness. This is a healthy amount of self-advocacy," she said.
People who grew up in situations where self-sacrifice was rewarded may feel narcissistic when putting their own needs first, Costanzo noted. "And, no, this is you advocating for yourself. This is healthy, necessary."
Social Media's Role
Social media updates muddy the waters when it comes to fears of being too self-centered, according to Yankah Addo. "One of the ironies of social media is that it's made people simultaneously more self-focused, but also more self-conscious in a way," she explained.
It's natural to check likes or positive comments on Instagram or Facebook. "I think the difficult thing about social media is that it really can reinforce attention-seeking behaviors and really encourage people to curate idealized versions of themselves, because it's oftentimes rewarded through things like praise, or even looking at social media influencers that get things like endorsements and products ... and even just notoriety in general," she said.
If you are concerned about how much attention you demand or worry you make things about yourself too much, take a breath. If you are willing to examine your behavior and are concerned about taking away someone else's thunder, "you have capacities that are inconsistent with what we would think of as being severely narcissistic or having a personality disorder," Yankah Addo said.
"Most of us become self-centered at times, especially when we're stressed or overwhelmed or insecure or struggling, but that's very different from having a personality disorder, and you shouldn't necessarily be quick to label yourself in that manner in every instance," she said. "You have to look at the broader picture and look at the context and look at your behavior over time."
