Condescension in conversation often involves a haughty tone and passive-aggressive behavior that implies superiority, said journalist Celeste Headlee, author of “We Need to Talk: How to Have Conversations That Matter.” According to Headlee, condescension puts on a false persona of kindness while delivering a clear message of superiority, treating the other person as inferior.
Why People Talk Down to Others
The tendency to condescend may stem from a desire to elevate social status. “Our survival has always depended on our rank, our status, within a community,” Headlee explained. Every conversation involves impression management, and condescension is a way to establish rank above another person, whether consciously or not.
Southern California psychotherapist Elisabeth Crain added that condescension can be traced back to underlying insecurity or an inflated ego, though it can also occur when someone is having a bad day and is not aware of how they come across.
The Impact of Condescension
Condescension is insulting and demeaning. “Nobody likes being condescended to,” Headlee said. It also undermines effective communication. “The person on the receiving end is left with a bunch of feelings about the way the information has been presented, rather than the information itself,” Crain noted. This reduces the efficacy of the message.
Condescension can appear in words, tone of voice, facial expressions like eye-rolling, or body language such as patting someone on the head. Here are six common condescending phrases to avoid.
1. ‘Oh, how cute.’
Variations include “that’s sweet” or “bless your heart.” While genuine compliments are fine, using a tone of superiority can belittle the other person. “It’s not appropriate to label someone’s understanding or effort as ‘cute,’” Crain said. Headlee suggested considering what you would want to hear in a similar situation.
2. ‘Well, actually...’
This is a classic example of mansplaining, where someone explains something the other person already knows or is an expert in. “You often use really simplified language,” Headlee said. Unless someone asks for an explanation, avoid this phrase.
3. ‘You’re trying your best.’
This can sound patronizing if the tone implies low expectations. Writer Phoebe Mertens noted it can suggest the speaker is surprised the person managed to meet even those expectations. Headlee advised thinking about what you would want to hear if you were struggling.
4. ‘You just need to...’
Giving definitive advice implies the person’s current way is wrong. Crain suggested softening the language: “I think it could be helpful for you to do that,” rather than “You have to” or “You should.” Using “perhaps” reduces pressure.
5. ‘It’s not that big of a deal.’
This response minimizes and invalidates the other person’s feelings. Psychologist Scott Rower explained that feelings are not chosen, and shaming someone for their feelings can keep them stuck. “What we resist persists,” he said.
6. ‘You wouldn’t understand.’
Phrases like “You wouldn’t get it” imply the other person is not smart enough to understand. Crain said these phrases suggest the receiver isn’t capable of grasping an experience outside their own.
A Final Thought
Being condescending is not limited to inconsiderate people; everyone makes communication mistakes. “Conversation is one of the most complicated and difficult tasks any of us engage in,” Headlee said. She encouraged being prepared to be corrected and viewing it as a growth opportunity between both parties.
