Leah Eichler, a journalist and mother of two, shares her emotional journey of coming to terms with her transgender son's identity. She describes a pivotal moment when her child, then 3 years old and dressed as a cat, asked, "Can I be a boy?" Eichler deflected the question, asking if he thought boys had more fun, and the topic was dropped for years.
Early Signs and Denial
Despite considering herself progressive, Eichler admits she secretly hoped her child's gender dysphoria was a phase. She recalls signs like meticulous eyelash plucking in third grade and fear of turning 10, which she attributed to COVID lockdown stress. At age 11, her child said he "liked girls" and later requested he/him pronouns.
Eichler struggled with statements like, "Why can't she just be gay?" and worried about peer pressure or rebellion. She lived a dual life: using male pronouns at home but female pronouns in public, which left her emotionally depleted.
Confronting Reality
By sixth grade, her son's appearance changed: he switched to boys' uniform trousers, cut and dyed his hair, and wore chest binders. Despite respecting his pronouns at school, family gatherings triggered emotional distress. Eichler recalls her son demanding to be held after such incidents, then pushing her away.
One night, her son said a friend called him "baby girl," and when Eichler dismissed his anger by saying he was a child, not a man, a coolness settled between them. Therapy sessions revealed his resentment: "You always made me dress in girly clothes," he said, though Eichler remembered his insistence on wearing a JoJo Siwa bow.
Letting Go of a Dream
A writer friend advised Eichler to "get rid of the dream you had of her," making her realize she was clinging to an idealized daughter. Meanwhile, her son grew more confident—smiling when a waiter called him "sir" and receiving a love confession from a girl.
Despite progress—new school, new name, supportive grandparents—Eichler feared her son would never be satisfied. His question, "How much longer do I need to be unhappy?" after a therapy session at age 14 or 15 pushed her to act.
Finally Taking Action
Eichler apologized repeatedly in the car and decided to support medical transition. She requested a referral to a pediatric gender clinic, though the waitlist is long. Reflecting on her own body, she realized her son had always been himself; she just needed to see him.
Now, old photos of her daughter feel like a movie about a child who disappeared, and she focuses on living in the moment with her son. "Honestly, I miss her less now," she writes. "For the most part, I don't even think about her at all."
