Recently, over drinks with friends and new acquaintances, the conversation turned to sex toys. A new friend, whom I'll call Sonia, shared something that stuck with me.
"I've never used a sex toy," she shared. She explained that she had never masturbated at all. Like the rest of our group, Sonia is in her mid-forties. Raised by a conservative family in South America, she was taught that sex happens only between a man and a woman.
"The only time I receive pleasure is when I'm in a relationship," she added.
This conversation was a wake-up call. I grew up in a Catholic household where sex wasn't discussed, but my coming-of-age was shaped by a steady diet of Judy Blume, Madonna, and later, Sex and the City episodes. I sometimes forget that not everyone spent their teens sneak-reading copies of Cosmopolitan and now has an arsenal of toys at their disposal. That contrast made me reflect on how upbringing shapes sexuality.
'Purity Culture'
To better understand this, I turned to Sarah "Figs" Filgueiras, a licensed mental health counsellor and AASECT-certified sex therapist, who says she's all too familiar with Sonia's experience. Growing up in a Cuban and Colombian household, touching yourself was framed not only as dirty and wrong, but also as shameful and unfeminine.
"I've heard many women in my therapy office describe exploring self-pleasure for the first time and then feeling this immediate panic afterward. Almost like, 'Now everyone is going to find out I touched myself,'" says Filgueiras. She adds, "And when you add a whole other layer of religious guilt and purity culture to the mix, it can feel like the most awkward peep show that no one asked for."
On the rare occasion that her family discussed sex, it was in the context of saving virginity until marriage. Once in a relationship, the expectations shifted: "Now you're expected to somehow be 'good at sex,' while also maintaining beauty, desirability, and performance. You're a sexy Latina, remember?" says Filgueiras.
However, a healthy, satisfying sex life means knowing what feels good and how to please yourself. It's part of the reason Marion Cuello founded her female-owned pleasure brand, IDG Luxe. Cuello says it's important to empower women with the tools to explore their bodies.
"In the Latin culture, the woman's pleasure is usually last or discarded. The man gets his, and that's that. If we talk about it, it's incredibly inappropriate and frowned upon. If you mention a toy, it's like you're offending the man's ego," shares Cuello over email. As a result, Cuello adds, there's a lot of shame around "wanting to feel good."
Shame Not Unique to Culture, Community
Filgueiras says it's a topic that comes up often in her practice. "Many Latinas grow up learning to focus on what our bodies can do for others: cook, clean, dance, please, and yes, even be fetishized," she says. Filgueiras, who is the host of the podcast "Things I Meant To Say Naked," says that when this happens, "We become so disconnected from our own bodies that spending time with them for ourselves, without productivity, performance, or the benefit of someone else, can feel selfish or even wrong."
That said, shame around self-pleasure isn't unique to any one culture or community. How we're raised shapes how we approach our sex lives, and even growing up in a relatively liberal household, I still had fear and shame around sex that I had to work through.
Still, taking that first step can be easier said than done. "I think the phrase self-pleasure can create a lot of pressure, especially for someone who has never explored their body erotically," shares Filgueiras.
Sexual Shame Is Taught
The healing process starts with realizing that sexual shame is taught. Filgueiras suggests, "Ask yourself: Who taught me this was wrong? Does that belief actually belong to me?" A sex therapist can help unpack these beliefs and guide a path forward.
She also encourages people to think of self-pleasure beyond masturbation. For first-timers, she suggests setting the mood: running a bubble bath, lighting candles, and exploring your body to see where and what types of touch feel good — a process called "love mapping."
While self-pleasure may feel foreign at first, Filgueiras says, "There is something incredibly healing about choosing time for yourself, especially when you were taught that your worth came from how much of yourself you gave away."
Whether you're playing with a toy or love mapping, masturbation is an empowering act of reclaiming your body. It starts by opening the door to experiencing pleasure without apologies or shame.
As Cuello reminds us, "We all have the capacity to feel pleasure, and we all want to feel desired, even if it's desire for yourself."
