As individuals transition into adulthood, the dynamic with their parents inevitably evolves, often presenting both opportunities for deeper connection and challenges that require intentional effort. Cultivating a healthy relationship during this new life stage demands clear communication, mutual respect, and empathy from all involved. Earlier this year, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, author of "Set Boundaries, Find Peace," highlighted this on Instagram with a post titled "Things Adult Children Want To Hear," listing simple yet impactful phrases parents can use.
The Power of Validation and Healing Words
We consulted Glover Tawwab and other therapists to explore the statements adult children most desire from their parents and why these words carry such profound meaning. "Adult children often yearn for validating phrases from their parents, such as acknowledgments of past pain or expressions of understanding," explained Lara Morales Daitter, an associate marriage and family therapist at The Connective in Northern California. "These affirmations possess significant healing power, particularly when parents were previously preoccupied with their own struggles, leading to unmet emotional needs during childhood."
Six Transformative Statements for Stronger Bonds
Below are six powerful phrases parents can articulate to their adult children to enhance their relationship, each backed by therapeutic insight.
1. ‘I’m sorry.’
For many adult children, these two words are the most sought-after, according to therapist and author Jor-El Caraballo. "As Gen Xers, millennials, and some Gen Z individuals reflect on their upbringings, they increasingly recognize how parental choices impacted them," said Caraballo, co-founder of the mental health practice Viva. "In some cases, those choices posed challenges to mental health. Receiving validation and an apology from parents can be a monumental victory for adult children aiming to break negative family cycles and advance with improved mental well-being."
Arielle Dualan, another associate marriage and family therapist at The Connective, emphasized the importance of parents apologizing for pain caused, even unintentionally. "Most adult children understand their parents aren't perfect and had good intentions," she noted. "However, some parents struggle to acknowledge hurt inflicted at any life stage." Adding "How can we work through this?" to an apology amplifies its impact. "Taking ownership fosters emotional repair and connection, modeling humility and relational healing that can extend to other relationships," Dualan added.
Caraballo pointed out cultural barriers, especially in communities of color, where apologizing may be difficult due to pressures to "save face." "As a therapist working with many Black clients, I see parents often become defensive when concerns about upbringing arise," he said. "Normalizing apologies in Black families can be incredibly healing, and while it's not yet the norm, it holds promise for the future." Dualan, who specializes with adult children of immigrant parents, observed similar struggles, where parents focused on fundamental needs like safety, while their children prioritized emotional connection. "This may require shifting expectations and grieving the lack of emotional initiation from parents, but adult children can still strive to create desired relationships," she explained.
2. ‘I was in survival mode.’
This statement acknowledges that while managing multiple responsibilities, parents may have faltered, without excusing poor behavior. "As a young adult without children, it's hard to view childhood beyond your own perspective," Glover Tawwab said. "Recognizing parents as adults with jobs, social lives, and other duties while parenting provides crucial context." Discussing challenges like lack of support, resources, or personal struggles can be healing. "If I had more finances, wasn't going through a divorce, or wasn't battling other issues—acknowledging these realities fosters understanding," she added.
Los Angeles marriage and family therapist Gayane Aramyan echoed this, noting parents likely did their best with available tools, lacking today's emotional awareness or communication skills. "Tough conversations and parental acknowledgment of childhood experiences can repair relationships," Aramyan stated.
3. ‘I’m really proud of you.’
Regardless of age, children crave parental pride in their achievements and identity. "Many aging parents raised children to 'be better' and strive beyond their own opportunities," Caraballo said. "This drives confidence and anxiety about performance. Hearing 'I'm proud of what you've done and who you are' can illuminate the path for millennials doubting their life position."
4. ‘Your life path is different than mine, but I support you.’
Parents may urge similar trajectories due to familiarity or perceived stability, but diverse paths can be equally fulfilling. "This affirming statement recognizes the adult child's individuality and autonomy," Morales Daitter explained. "It conveys parental acceptance, fostering empowerment and emotional well-being."
5. ‘Do you want advice, or would you prefer for me to listen?’
When adult children face challenges, they often need space to navigate independently rather than being rescued. "Adult parents must recall their own mistakes and speak from wisdom gained through experience," Glover Tawwab said. Asking directly eliminates guesswork and affirms capability. "Parenting adults shifts from protection to listening and observing," she added. "Offering unsolicited advice can hinder the adult child's self-assertion and parental understanding of who they've become," Dualan noted.
6. ‘I’m still here for you.’
Knowing parents remain a supportive refuge in adulthood is profoundly comforting. "Parenting doesn't end at adulthood; the relationship merely changes," Caraballo emphasized. "While aging parents should focus on personal pursuits, they can still be involved, respectful allies. Balancing boundaries with active care is a delicate yet vital dance."
By integrating these phrases, parents and adult children can build stronger, more empathetic connections, transforming familial bonds into sources of lasting support and healing.
