Dear Abby: Longtime Girlfriend Exhausted by Friend's Attention-Seeking Wife
A woman has reached out to the renowned advice columnist Dear Abby, expressing deep frustration and emotional fatigue over her boyfriend's close friendship with a couple where the wife exhibits persistent attention-seeking behavior. The letter, signed "Encroached On in Vermont," details a complex social dynamic that has been wearing on the writer for an extended period.
The Core of the Conflict
The writer has been in a relationship with her boyfriend for seventeen years. Her boyfriend frequently spends time with his friend Byron, sometimes up to six days a week. Byron is married to Crystal, and the couple has been together for twenty-two years, with Crystal described as being "always attached to Byron's hip." The issue arises from Crystal's behavior, which the letter writer finds intrusive and competitive.
Crystal consistently positions herself as the center of attention, boasting about herself and speaking louder to dominate conversations. More troubling to the writer is that Crystal regularly texts her boyfriend, even sending him pictures of herself. While the boyfriend dismisses this as harmless, citing that "she's his friend's wife," the writer feels this justification is insufficient and perceives Crystal's actions as an attempt to "win him over."
Emotional Toll and Relationship Strain
The writer admits to often joining these gatherings specifically to distract Crystal, allowing her boyfriend to converse with Byron uninterrupted. However, this strategy has led to significant exhaustion. "It's nonstop. She's definitely going out of bounds, treating my boyfriend like her man," the letter states. The writer has voiced her discomfort but has been told she is jealous and that the problem is hers alone, not her boyfriend's. This response has caused further strain, with her boyfriend now accusing her of being too clingy due to her efforts to monitor the interactions.
Feeling overwhelmed and non-confrontational, the writer contemplates stepping back entirely, questioning if she is overreacting to the situation.
Abby's Advice: A Strategic Retreat
In her response, Abby reassures the writer that her read on Crystal's attention-seeking nature is likely accurate. Given that the current approach of shielding her boyfriend has proven ineffective, Abby recommends a change in tactics.
Abby advises the writer to reduce her frequency of joining these outings, thereby giving her boyfriend space while she invests time in her own friends, family, or hobbies. This shift, Abby suggests, could enrich their relationship by providing new topics for conversation and reducing the tension. Abby concludes that this strategy carries minimal risk and potential benefits for the writer's well-being and the relationship's dynamics.
A Second Disturbing Letter
The column also includes another letter from "Traumatized in New York," a woman leaving her husband of fifteen years after he admitted to having sex with her while she was asleep or passed out drunk during a past period of alcohol dependency. The husband, aware of her childhood sexual trauma involving similar circumstances, defended his actions as permissible because she is his wife and claimed it was preferable to infidelity.
Abby responds with empathy, labeling the acts as spousal rape and emphasizing that sex without consent is illegal. She strongly urges the writer to seek psychotherapy for healing and to consider reporting the incidents to the police, providing RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network) as a resource.
Dear Abby is authored by Jeanne Phillips, continuing the legacy founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips, offering guidance on personal and relational challenges.
