You go on a date. As soon as you get home, you message your group chat. Within minutes, your inbox is flooded with deep dives and hot takes. Your stomach drops when one person decides, “They sound like a total narcissist!” Another says they remind them of their ex. Sometimes this happens before you’ve even gone out — when your date is still a profile photo and a collection of screenshots of texts. If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
The Rise of Crowdsourced Dating
Dating app Hily surveyed 3,100 Gen Z and Millennial daters and found that 58% of women have hidden details about someone they’re dating from a bestie out of fear of being judged. And nearly 1 in 4 felt pressured to end a relationship with someone they liked, even when there were no red flags in sight.
Yet, despite these concerns, many women make dating a group project. Over half of respondents said they share screenshots for feedback, and a third admitted they would let a friend swipe for them because they think friends know them better than they know themselves.
Why We Trust Friends Over Ourselves
Given this dependence on friends, an important question is: Why do we often trust our friends’ opinions more than our own?
“Friends help us cyberstalk and are invested in our happiness and well-being, so getting their approval can feel incredibly validating that we are making the right choices,” explains Julie Nguyen, a certified dating coach at Holy Dating App.
Then there’s the anxiety of it all. “Dating is anxiety-provoking, and when we feel anxious, we don’t trust our own perception. This discomfort can push us to rely on someone who sounds confident and makes us feel confident,” says Arkadiy Volkov, RP, clinical director of Feel Your Way Therapy based in Toronto.
Moreover, the proliferation of dating apps has amplified the impulse to consult outside sources. In today’s dating landscape, finding a mate now feels akin to shopping for a product. Just as we wouldn’t book a vacation or buy a new pair of shoes without reading the reviews first – and to quote Cher from Clueless, “and those only go on my feet” – we now seek the reassurance of friends’ perspectives before making decisions in dating.
The Downsides of Groupthink
However, relying heavily on friends has its drawbacks. If every date requires a committee decision, “it can thwart women’s instincts and make it harder for women to trust their own intuition,” says Nguyen.
It’s important to remember that our friends don’t have to date this person; we do. When friends are heavily involved in the dating process, it can sabotage a connection.
“Emotional intimacy develops privately, through ambiguity and direct experience. We learn how we feel about someone by sitting with ourselves and paying attention to our own internal signals,” says Lisa Chen, LMFT, Founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy.
Developing a relationship requires vulnerability between two people. However, Chen says, “If every interaction gets filtered through the lens of our friends, we might start to perform the relationship rather than living it.”
Friends Care, but Can Also Project Wounds
Another potential problem is that no one can be truly objective about someone else’s relationship.
While our friends often care deeply, there’s always a risk that they’re projecting their own wounds onto us. “For example, someone who’s been betrayed might be distrustful and see danger everywhere,” says Chen.
So, how do we spot the difference between a friend helping someone identify genuine red flags versus projecting their own fears, biases, or unresolved relationship experiences? Volkov encourages people to consider the source of advice and ask, “Are they speaking from wisdom or fear?” Ultimately, “Friends who notice a red flag say, ‘I notice this pattern and here is why it concerns me.’ However, a friend who is projecting might say, ‘This sounds exactly like what my ex did,’” says Volkov.
Finding a Balance
While the group chat can offer support, experts urge people to give new connections space to breathe. Recognizing this, “The first few months are delicate and need room. I would recommend clients protect that,” says Volkov. If something comes up that you need help navigating, therapy is a great resource.
Lastly, give yourself permission to be wrong sometimes. “A relationship will never be perfect – because it is not a puzzle or a problem to be solved with the help of others. It is something for you to live through and experience,” says Volkov.
Any relationship requires a degree of risk — and some risks you can only take alone.
