A Surgeon's Personal Revelation Ignites a National Conversation
In 2024, I published an essay titled, “I’m A Surgeon. I’m Also Child-Free — And 6 Words From A Colleague About My Life Left Me Stunned,” on HuffPost Personal. The morning it went live, my alarm woke me before dawn. I grabbed my phone, swiped it open to check the headlines, and there, right in the middle of my news feed, I saw my name. The day had barely started, and I was already trending. I had shared my most private feelings about my reproductive life, detailing how my choice not to have children was repeatedly questioned in professional settings. I was confident that whether I had kids or not did not define my worth as a person. In the 21st century, it should not be controversial to say that some women choose other paths. Yet, that morning, I felt nervous about exposing this so publicly.
The Weight of Social Conditioning and Unexpected Support
Those nerves only underscored my social conditioning. Women without children are often viewed through rigid stereotypes. I was anxious about how my essay—and I—would be perceived, fearing it might not be well-received. Then, something unexpected happened. I was inundated with messages. Over the next week, my Instagram, the essay’s comment section, and even my work email were flooded with an outpouring of gratitude and positivity. Women wrote to thank me for vocalizing what they felt but couldn’t express, for helping dispel the myth that child-free women are selfish and cold, and for making it clear that women don’t need to apologize for choosing not to have children. More people resonated with my experience than I ever imagined.
Most of these messages came from women who, like me, did not want to be mothers. They acknowledged that their reproductive freedom was hard-fought and deserved, yet they still wrestled with strong societal expectations. Some messages, however, were from women with children who wished they had been told earlier in life that they had other options. I even received notes from men who had seen their partners’ or wives’ value reduced to whether or not they were mothers. What united all these individuals was a simple wish: for women to be valued beyond their reproductive choices.
Negative Backlash and Feminist Critiques
I would be lying if I said all responses were positive. A portion of the notes were filled with anger and resentment, with some veering into harassment. Like the positive messages, these had a unifying theme. One person wrote, “You stupid idiot, will feminism take care of you when you’re old and dying?” Such responses implied that feminism was to blame for my decision to pursue a successful surgical career and follow my instincts that I did not want children, believing my life could be complete without motherhood.
To some degree, I expected negative messages from men, but I was surprised to find many were authored by women. They insisted I couldn’t trust my own perspective on my life and that I was lying about feeling fulfilled. They claimed I would never be happy, never know true love or joy, and that my life would always be incomplete, misled by feminism—described as a wolf in sheep’s clothing—into a meaningless existence.
Historical Context and Modern Political Dynamics
These sentiments are not new, though they have been emboldened by the current presidential administration. Feminism has long been a societal scapegoat. The wave championed by figures like Gloria Steinem encouraged women to free themselves from the expectation that all women must have children and stay in the kitchen. However, in recent years, this narrow definition has been heavily critiqued for potentially overlooking and undervaluing the labor of motherhood. This version of feminism has also estranged women from diverse backgrounds by centering only on the experiences of white, middle-class women.
Women who find deep meaning in child-rearing and domestic work have felt alienated by mainstream feminist movements. Some have even shifted to conservative platforms, which often embrace domestic life as a woman’s truest calling. Others argue that feminism has “ruined” motherhood by allowing women to pursue alternative paths and contributing to declining birth rates. Furthermore, the experiences of marginalized, non-white, and queer women have not always been included in some feminist approaches, leaving many to seek alternative frameworks for fighting for all women’s rights.
Professional Challenges and Societal Skepticism
As the derogatory messages in my inbox show, societal skepticism of child-free women persists, especially with high-powered conservative think tanks pushing regressive gender roles and opposing feminist movements. They argue that feminism has damaged the traditional family structure by allowing women to believe their lives can be fulfilled without motherhood and marriage.
At the same time, conservatives like JD Vance, known for his animosity towards single women without children, use their platforms to claim that women pursuing professional careers cause social unrest. Instead of addressing the real lack of support for mothers in this country, there are proposals for baby-bonus cash payouts, childbirth medals, and federally funded tax-advantaged savings accounts aimed at promoting a traditional nuclear-family lifestyle. As a pediatric surgeon who helps children daily, I don’t understand how I could be viewed as an enemy of the state.
Unfortunately, this belief plays out even at work. Recently, a mother asked me a series of personal questions to assess my capability for her child’s routine surgery. After inquiring about my qualifications, she asked directly if I was a mother. I said no and asked why she wanted to know. After some rambling, she concluded with an unconvincing apology, noting, “But I think women should be able to do all kinds of jobs... or whatever.” I don’t mind questions, and I understand parents’ trust in their children’s doctors, especially for surgery. However, this encounter was another reminder that a woman’s value in professional settings can be tied to her reproductive choices. Such questions don’t belong in a hospital exam room and have nothing to do with surgical skill, but it’s no surprise women feel this way, as we’re taught to view child-free women as less capable and committed to care.
Looking Forward with Resilience
When I wrote my original essay, I hoped sentiments about child-free women were declining. But in the weeks after its release, I watched Kamala Harris’ choice to not have children get repeatedly criticized. The derogatory rhetoric has only accelerated since I awoke to find myself trending. However, I have never wavered in my belief in my value as a child-free woman. Because of the women who came before me, I live a life full of joy, meaning, and fulfillment—on my own terms. I will continue to use my voice to ensure others can do the same.
Caitlin A. Smith is a surgeon and writer in the Pacific Northwest. Her personal essays on surgical training and experiences have appeared on Doximity. She is currently writing her first book, a firsthand account about the life and experiences of women in medicine.
