Amber Boone tried to raise her children without playing favorites or making anyone feel overlooked. But over time, the needs of her youngest son took a back seat to those of his older sister. Boone’s son became the family’s “glass child.” That doesn’t mean he was vulnerable or easy to break — quite the opposite.
Though not a formal diagnosis, a “glass child” is someone who grows up with a sibling whose mental, behavioral or physical disability demands so much attention that their own needs often fade into the background. In Boone’s family, her oldest child, a daughter, struggled with addiction and became a mother as a teenager.
How Glass Children Are Created
Having grown up as something of a glass child herself, Boone told HuffPost she was determined not to repeat that dynamic. But as she poured her energy into getting her daughter help and raising the granddaughter she eventually adopted, her son’s needs were often overshadowed. As the family’s “easy one,” her son’s struggles became almost invisible, like looking through a clean pane of glass.
Reflecting on it now, Boone said she can see how much of her family’s emotional energy was focused on crisis management and protecting her daughter as she struggled with her mental health. “There was always a problem that needed solving, a child who needed protection, a court hearing to prepare for, or a crisis that needed urgent attention,” she said. “The focus was on necessity and survival, not necessarily favoritism.”
Meanwhile, Boone said, her youngest son often appeared to be “fine” simply because he wasn’t creating emergencies. But children who aren’t demanding attention still need it, she said. “When one family member’s needs become urgent and consuming, the quieter child can unintentionally become the child who waits,” she said. “They suppress their feelings, their needs, and become hyper-independent, or believe their needs are less important.”
Danielle Peters, a family therapist specializing in affirming therapy for parents of neurodivergent kids, unpacked how “glass children” tend to be created. Grieving and overwhelmed by the experience of having a child with high needs or differences, parents often become obsessed with finding a treatment that will “fix” the child. “Even if the parent isn’t stuck in this grief cycle, the constant medical, behavioral and educational appointments, plus the high level of care required by the affected child, create a dynamic where the other child or children are given less attention,” Peters said.
3 Signs You Were A ‘Glass Child’
1. You tend to overlook your own needs even as an adult.
The whole universe seemingly revolved around your sibling’s needs. Even if your parents tried to carve out one-on-one time with you — say, a movie and dinner with just the three of you — your siblings’ needs still consumed much of their time and emotional energy. Some childhood rites of passage may have been out of reach, too, Peters said, simply because of the realities of having a sibling who required so much attention. “You didn’t get to have normal experiences like going to Disneyland or having friends stay over for a sleepover because of your siblings’ differences,” the therapist said. “As an adult, this may have resulted in a core belief that you are unimportant and invisible, even outside the household you grew up in.”
2. You are still extremely independent and struggle to accept help from others.
Too often, glass children have higher expectations placed on them at an early age because of what is going on with their siblings, Peters told HuffPost. You likely behaved better than kids your age (no grabbing your sibling’s toys without asking first, for instance), to avoid your siblings lashing out. You may also have been expected to care for yourself earlier than you would be, or felt less protected because of the care required by your sibling. “You may have learned to feed yourself early and manage things without adult attention,” Peters said. “Not because you wanted to, but because you had to, to get your needs met, or you felt like you had to in order to make things easier for your parents.” As an adult, you’re more independent than the average person and may struggle to outsource your needs. Through lived experiences, you’ve learned not to burden others, even those you’re closest to who’d gladly support you, with any requests for help.
3. It’s easier for you to care for others than yourself.
It’s fair to say you spent more time in medical or clinical settings than other kids your age. You learned about hard realities earlier and understood things that your peers had no idea about: Diagnostic tests and treatment plans or what addiction recovery looks like when someone’s struggling with a substance use disorder. At home, you also may have been burdened with caring for your sibling when your parents needed an extra hand, Peters said. “You were changing diapers and helping with medical procedures or hiding in your room when things were really hard,” she said. “You often spent more time caring for your sibling than anyone spent caring for you.” Now, as an adult, your needs are similarly put on the back burner. You’re more inclined to care for others, and there are few things you find more uncomfortable than being the center of attention.
Healing Your Inner ‘Glass Child’ As An Adult
Now that you’re older, it’s essential that you recognize that having needs does not make you needy. Reflecting on her own experience growing up as a “glass child,” Boone recognizes that many like her become so accustomed to being the strong one that they stop acknowledging their own emotions and experiences. “Healing often begins with giving yourself permission to take up space, ask for support, and recognize that your struggles matter even if someone else’s struggles seem more visible or urgent,” she said.
You may want to talk with your parent about what growing up was like for you, approaching the conversation with empathy. Most parents raising a child with a serious illness, disability or addiction are doing the best they can with the resources they have, Boone said. Even so, if your parent is emotionally mature, they should also be able to acknowledge how those circumstances affected you. “As a parent, one of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that acknowledging the impact on the glass child doesn’t diminish the compassion for the child who is struggling,” Boone said. Both experiences can be true at the same time, she said, adding, “My daughter deserved help, and my son deserved to be seen. His wins deserved a front seat and to be celebrated, and his struggles deserved care and consideration.”
As you navigate your feelings around growing up as a glass child, it’s also important to know that there are research-backed positives to having a sibling with a significant medical, behavioral, or developmental condition. “These siblings often have higher empathy for others,” Peters said. “They are more understanding and inclusive of others with differences and disabilities.” Given how caring you likely already are, the goal isn’t to undo that empathy. Instead, the goal is to understand that you deserve the same care and compassion you’ve spent so much of your life quietly giving to others, Boone said. “Your value goes beyond your ability to withstand,” she said. “The child who never caused problems, never demanded attention, and always seemed OK still deserves to be noticed.”
