If you saw me at a work meeting, out with friends, or anywhere else, I almost always have my arms crossed. With that being my default stance, you might think I am a miserable person with a bad attitude. However, that is far from the truth most of the time. I cross my arms for two reasons: I am probably cold, and it feels like I am giving myself a hug, which is comforting. As it turns out, crossed arms are the most commonly misunderstood body language sign, according to experts.
Stephanie Pappas, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost that most of the time, body language reading is quite accurate, but we must remember it is only a part of communication, like tone, choice of words, or touch. According to Pappas, our tendency to judge someone based on their body language is evolutionary. Body language was the primary form of communication and a major survival skill for our ancestors thousands of years ago. We were wired to be attuned to those in our tribe or potential threats by the way they moved and expressed themselves around us.
While we no longer rely as heavily on body language for communication, our brains might still read body language and create a story. Turns out, crossed arms are not the only thing people misinterpret. Here is what experts say about the most overlooked body language signs.
What Crossed Arms Actually Mean
While people often interpret crossed arms as being closed off or rude, it is actually a self-soothing technique for most people, says Pappas. It is easy to cross your arms when feeling stressed or overwhelmed as a way to regulate yourself. Linda Clemons, body language expert and author of HUSH: How to Radiate Power and Confidence Without Saying a Word, told HuffPost that the biggest mistake is judging too quickly. If someone has their arms crossed, you might think they are cold or closed off and walk away. But two seconds later, they might reach for a sweater because they were literally cold. However, you were not there to see it because you judged too quickly.
In other words, our reasons for crossing our arms are totally valid, and so are yours.
Other Misunderstood Body Language Signs
While Pappas and Clemons agree that crossed arms are the top confusing body language sign, eye contact and even smiles also leave room for interpretation. Pappas notes that eye contact is often given a lot of weight as a signal of attention and respect. However, reasons for not maintaining eye contact can go beyond rudeness or indifference. In some cultures, it is considered disrespectful to make eye contact, and some neurodivergent individuals find it overwhelming or uncomfortable.
Another confusing body language cue is the smile, according to Clemons. Sometimes people give what she calls a pageant smile, or a fake smile, because they feel they should appear happy. People who are truly happy will have elevated cheeks and wide eyes, whereas pageant smiles only use the muscles in the lower face.
How to Get Better at Reading Body Language
Body language is only one piece of the communication puzzle, says Pappas. It needs to be considered with context to create as much accuracy as possible. Here are some tips to better read body language.
Understand Baseline Behavior
If you know someone closely, you will get a full picture of their mood, personality, and communication style, known as baseline behavior, Pappas notes. For example, if a friend who often uses their hands when telling stories suddenly puts their hands on their lap, that may indicate a shift in their emotions or mood. Understanding a person's baseline is necessary to interpret their non-verbal cues in context, adds Clemons. For instance, at a funeral, everyone's expression is somber, but one person is smiling. That seems like the wrong non-verbal cue, so you might think something is off. But then you learn that person always smiles when nervous or overwhelmed. Knowing a person's reactions to situations offers better clarity on how to proceed.
Look at Behaviors in Clusters
Another thing to pay attention to is looking at behavior in clusters, according to Clemons. If the arms are crossed, the tone of voice is dismissive, and the person's shoulders or feet are turned away, it is more likely that they really do not want to be talking to you. Congruency is also key, she adds. The words people speak should match their tone and body language. If someone says to their spouse, "I want to make this marriage work," but folds their arms and their tone is not congruent with their words, they may be headed out the door.
Understand Intuition Versus Anxiety
One of the best things you can do when reading body language is learning to distinguish between intuition and anxiety, says Pappas. When you are overly focused on analyzing someone's signals, you can drop out of the parts of the brain that help connect and communicate, and spiral into anxious storytelling instead. Anxiety might tell you, "Look at the way they are standing there, they are so angry with you, what did you do now?" whereas intuition is usually an unconscious, nonjudgmental piece of information that helps you make productive decisions. In other words, anxiety builds a dramatic narrative while intuition delivers a quiet, neutral signal. The latter is worth listening to, especially in situations where safety is a concern. Paying attention to your gut feeling, especially in a situation where safety may be a concern, is a skill that our bodies have honed to keep us alive, Pappas said.
