If your experience with dating apps has left you with a string of disappointing dates and awkward conversations, you're not alone. The temptation to delete your profiles for good is real. However, as we move into a new year, relationship experts and recent research point to a more mindful strategy: dating with intention.
What Does 'Dating with Intention' Really Mean?
Contrary to popular belief, dating with intention isn't solely about the march toward marriage. According to Jaime Bronstein, a licensed therapist and resident expert for Dating.com, it's fundamentally about clarity. "It's about defining what you want and making the right choices to pursue that goal, whether you're looking for a long-term or short-term relationship," she explains.
This approach is supported by academic research. In a study published last year, researchers led by Katya Kredl at McGill University in Montreal analyzed 375 single young adults. Their findings were clear: individuals with less relationship clarity reported increased loneliness and decreased life satisfaction compared to their more self-aware peers.
"People who have less clarity are less selective when choosing partners," Kredl noted. "They're more likely to date incompatible partners because they don't know what they're looking for." Interestingly, those who knew what they wanted were more satisfied overall, even if they didn't find a relationship during the study.
The Tangible Benefits of a Clearer Approach
This intentional mindset helps navigate common modern dating pitfalls. "Intentions aren't meant to be limitations – they're information that guides us," says Jillian Turecki, author and relationship coach. This guidance can help you avoid lingering in undefined situationships or endless 'talking stages.'
Tyler Jamison, an associate professor at the University of New Hampshire, underscores that great relationships are built, not discovered by chance. "Knowing your own relationship goals and values is critical for making intentional choices about what kind of partner you want and what kind of partner you want to be," she states.
Expert Tips for Putting Intention into Practice
So, how do you start dating with intention? Here is actionable advice from the experts featured in the research.
First, conduct an honest self-audit. This goes beyond a superficial checklist. Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist, advises asking deeper questions: "What are the emotional needs I'm hoping a relationship will meet? Do I want consistency and long-term safety, or am I looking for connection and joy without the weight of long-term responsibility?" Reflect on past relationships to identify what felt nourishing versus draining.
Communicate your needs clearly and early. Don't hesitate to state your intentions on your dating profile or bring them up in your first conversation. "When apps allow you to state your intentions, be up-front and honest," Turecki recommends.
Ask key questions and screen for alignment. Bronstein suggests discussing past relationship dynamics and current commitment goals. Remember, the focus should shift from "Do they like me?" to "Do I like them and are we compatible in our goals?"
Be prepared to walk away from mismatches. If someone isn't aligned with your intentions, no amount of mutual liking will bridge that gap. "You'll simply attract people who aren't aligned," Turecki warns. Similarly, have the courage to end things if the spark isn't there, even if goals align on paper.
Reframe rejection. If someone breaks things off after you've communicated your needs, view it as a successful filtering process, not a personal failure. They simply want something different, which saves both of you time and emotional energy.
The core lesson from this research-backed approach is that clarity is empowering. By understanding and owning what you truly seek—whether it's a life partner, a casual connection, or something in between—you transform your dating experience from a game of chance into a purposeful journey.
