First dates are often anxiety-riddled, high-stakes situations. Add in the fact that we might actually like the person, and it becomes one of the most stressful social experiences in our culture. Sitting across from a stranger is enough to make anyone behave a little strangely, especially when there’s attraction involved. While there are no hard rules when it comes to first dates, the desire to put our best foot forward often leads us to do things we probably shouldn’t.
So why do most of us act weird and mess up so horribly on first dates? “Most people show up hoping to be chosen,” Nadia Edwards, dating expert and author of “The Dating Reset: A Later Dater’s Guide to Aligned Love,” told HuffPost. “They’re focused on making a good impression, saying the right thing and creating chemistry. What they forget is that they’re there to gather information. The goal of a first date is not to get chosen. It’s to decide whether you want to choose them.”
1. You don’t know what you’re looking for
Of course, a first date can be exciting — but if you don’t know what you’re looking for, the date could end up being a total bust. “If you don’t know what matters most to you in a relationship, you’ll miss important information that’s right in front of you,” Edwards said. “The people who make the best dating decisions are paying attention to alignment in what matters most to them emotionally, practically, relationally and in their day-to-day lifestyle.”
And if you aren’t aware of your relationship goals and dealbreakers, then Edwards said another mistake can easily be made: mistaking a strong connection for a right fit. “Chemistry can tell you if you’re interested. It can’t tell you whether you’re aligned. A strong connection is not the same as alignment,” she said. “The real question isn’t ‘do I feel something?’ It’s ‘what did I learn about this person?’ A first date doesn’t need to answer whether someone is your future partner. It only needs to answer one question: Is there enough here to want to know more? The goal of a first date is not a second date. It’s information.”
2. You’re talking too much (and not listening enough)
It’s completely normal to be a little nervous on a first date. Some people may talk more than usual to ease those nerves, but if you find yourself doing all — or most — of the talking, it may be worth pulling back. “One of the biggest first-date mistakes I see is people turning the conversation into a monologue instead of a dialogue,” Natassia Miller, DatingAdvice’s in-house sexologist, told HuffPost. “When you’re anxious or really want to impress someone, your nervous system goes into perform mode — you talk more, speed up and forget to be curious. The other person walks away feeling more like an audience than a potential partner.”
Miller suggests a simple rule of thumb: If you notice you’ve spoken for a few minutes, pause, and ask a genuine, open-ended question, such as, “How was that for you?” or “What’s your version of that?” Being curious will make it feel less like a job interview. “It’s less about perfectly balancing airtime and more about showing interest and getting to know the person you are on a date with,” she said.
3. You’re going on dates without any activity
Sometimes the biggest mistake is the location of the date. While coffee dates are fine, they — along with dinner or drinks — can easily make the experience feel less fun and more job interview-like. “I hate dates that revolve around sitting down with food or beverage. Coffee, lunch, dinner or drinks are just job interviews where two people are asking the same questions they’ve asked on the last 10 dates they went on,” Eric Resnick, an online dating expert and dating profile writer, told HuffPost.
Instead, Resnick recommends opting for a date that involves movement or activity. “Go somewhere that offers enough interaction that the date doesn’t live or die on constant chat,” Resnick said. “One of my favorites is a morning date at the farmer’s market on a Saturday or Sunday. My first date with my wife was mini golf. I’ve had several clients tell me they love meeting up anywhere from used record shops to Ikea. I even had an 87-year-old client tell me she takes guys axe-throwing on first dates because ‘if they can’t even lift an axe, what good are they to me?’”
The point of doing something active together, Resnick said, is to create an environment where you can “hang out in the wild and see if you get along, not under the stress of staring each other down across a table, wondering if you have spinach in your teeth, or if the whole night is ruined because there were 10 seconds of silence.”
4. Getting emotionally invested too quickly
Having a fun, flirty first date can be enough to make us hope we can delete the dating apps tomorrow. But, as Edwards warns, one good date is just one data point — it’s not a relationship, and it’s certainly not an indicator of what a relationship with this person would actually look like. “Good conversation, chemistry and attraction can make people start filling in the blanks about who they think someone is, but you don’t know this person yet,” she said. “One date is not enough information to know how someone communicates, handles disappointment, manages conflict or shows up consistently over time.”
When you’re focused on being liked — or hoping the other person feels the same way — you can miss important information, Edwards adds. “A first date is an opportunity to learn who someone is, how they think, what they value and whether there’s enough alignment to continue getting to know them.” It’s less about assessing long-term potential on the spot, and more about deciding whether there’s enough interest and alignment to continue.
5. Oversharing to force intimacy
We’re living in a world that now celebrates vulnerability. While that can be a good thing, it’s important to understand the difference between vulnerability and oversharing, and to recognize that a stranger you met on an app isn’t necessarily deserving of your full life story on a first date. “People often disclose deeply personal stories right away to ‘get real,’” Miller said. “The problem is, intimacy needs pacing, not dumping. I encourage people to notice the difference between vulnerable and premature disclosure: Vulnerable sharing feels grounded and mutual, while premature disclosure feels like ripping off a bandage to see if the other person will stay, often leaving both people feeling flooded before any real trust exists.”
A better approach, Miller said, is to share in layers. “Start with lighter but still meaningful topics like your values and what this season of life looks like for you, then let deeper stories emerge over time, once there’s enough safety and reciprocity to hold them.”
6. You’re playing games after the date
Sometimes the biggest mistakes of the first date happens after it ends when post-date behavior tends to swing between two extremes: over-texting or overthinking silence. Resnick said neither approach is helpful. After a good first date, he said many people feel tempted to “step on the gas” and immediately escalate communication. Instead, he recommends to “hold steady and keep the communication to the same level you had before the date. From there, follow their energy. If they are as excited as you are to move forward, you’ll see it in the messages. If it’s not there, you can’t force it.”
Resnick also cautions against anxiety-driven timing rules, like the old three-day rule. “This is still a huge problem for daters. They don’t know how soon is too soon to ask someone out for a second date, or to text/call after a first date. This leads to indecision, which leads to inaction, which leads to disappointment. Gender doesn’t matter here. There are no rules. This isn’t a game.” “If you treat it like a game, you’ll usually lose and the wins will be forgettable,” Resnick said. “If you like them, reach out.”
