Grandparents' Words Matter: 6 Phrases to Avoid for Healthier Family Bonds
As grandparents, creating a warm, loving environment where all family members feel secure and valued is a cherished goal. However, even well-intentioned remarks can sometimes create discomfort or insecurity for grandchildren, according to pediatric psychology experts. Being mindful of communication patterns is crucial for maintaining positive, lasting relationships with younger generations.
"It can be challenging to adjust long-standing communication habits, but intentional word choice significantly impacts how grandchildren perceive themselves and their relationship with you," explains Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist and president of A New Day Pediatric Psychology in San Antonio. Psychotherapist Andrea Dorn, author of the "Mindful Steps" children's book series, adds: "It's never too late to start being more mindful of how you approach interactions with your grandchildren."
Below are six common phrases experts recommend avoiding, along with constructive alternatives to strengthen family bonds.
1. "Don't Tell Your Parents..."
Whether offering extra treats or extending bedtime secretly, encouraging grandchildren to conceal information from parents undermines parental authority and establishes potentially dangerous precedents. "It models for children that situations exist where keeping secrets from parents is in their 'best interest,' which can be particularly risky if a child faces grooming or bullying," warns Atlanta clinical psychologist Zainab Delawalla.
Instead, reinforce honesty with parents. Grandparents can show affection while respecting parental boundaries, such as saying: "Let's ask your parents if this is okay first."
2. "You're Getting So Big! Have You Put on Weight?"
Comments about physical appearance or weight are strongly discouraged, as they can contribute to body image issues and diminished self-esteem that persist into adulthood. "Harsh comments from grandparents are remembered and replayed repeatedly," Lockhart notes. Even seemingly positive comparisons like "You're taller than your brother now!" emphasize external features over internal qualities.
Alternative approaches include expressing genuine interest in the child's inner world: "It's wonderful to see you! I've missed spending time together. What have you been enjoying lately?" Open-ended questions about interests and activities help children feel valued for who they are.
3. "Wow, You Ate More Than I Did!"
Remarks about eating habits—whether praising "clean plates" or noting uneaten food—can disrupt children's natural hunger cues and foster shame or confusion. "Comments about 'good' or 'bad' eating may cause children to adjust behavior based on others' opinions rather than bodily signals," Dorn explains.
Instead, model healthy eating without commentary. If discussing food, focus on bodily awareness: "It's important to listen to your body and eat when you're hungry."
4. "You're So Spoiled."
Labeling grandchildren as "spoiled" during moments of ungrateful behavior often misattributes responsibility. "If children act entitled, this likely reflects learned behaviors or parenting models rather than inherent traits," says clinical psychologist Ryan Howes from Pasadena, California. Direct criticism can damage self-worth and family dynamics.
Address concerning behaviors privately with parents if necessary, avoiding judgmental remarks to grandchildren.
5. "You Better Come Over Here and Give Me a Hug or Kiss!"
While stemming from affection, demanding physical affection disregards children's autonomy and body boundaries, potentially confusing messages about consent. "This can pressure children to abandon their comfort zones and second-guess their boundaries," Dorn cautions.
Respect boundaries by asking: "I'd love a hug—is that okay?" If declined, respond supportively: "Okay! I love you and can't wait to hear about your day." Offer alternatives like high-fives or waves to maintain connection.
6. "Your Parents Are Wrong About..."
Criticizing parenting choices directly to grandchildren can create family conflict and shame. Parenting approaches evolve across generations, and "comments about differences easily come across as shaming, implying one method is right and another wrong," Howes observes.
Unless addressing genuine safety concerns, keep observations private. Discuss issues directly with parents rather than involving grandchildren.
By avoiding these phrases and adopting mindful alternatives, grandparents can foster environments where grandchildren feel respected, secure, and deeply connected—strengthening family bonds for years to come.
