Giving birth is one of the most challenging experiences in a person's life, but an unsupportive birth partner can make it even more difficult. Labor and delivery nurses, who witness this dynamic daily, often deal with bored or judgmental partners while helping pregnant individuals endure contractions and epidurals.
"A lot of times, you just are making eye contact with the other nurses in the room. Like, 'Can you believe what is happening at this moment?'" said Yancy Guzmán, a North Carolina-based nurse. "Labor is where partners rise to the occasion or fail miserably," added Jen Hamilton, also a nurse in North Carolina. "I see it all the time where people have so much hope that their person is going to just step up to the plate ... It's just so devastating to watch somebody who you know had these really high expectations and then they weren't met."
The nurses interviewed, who have witnessed hundreds of births, noted that this unsupportive behavior is exclusive to heterosexual men. While they cannot predict divorce outcomes, several nurses said they can often guess whether a relationship will survive parenthood. "I never know the end of people's stories, but I feel like I can make a very educated guess on whether or not their relationship will stand the test of parenthood," Hamilton said. Washington-based nurse Alyssa Richard added that during labor, nurses see who men "authentically are behind whatever facade they may put up in front of people."
Common Unsupportive Behaviors
1. Sleeping Through Active Labor
Richard said men sleeping through active labor is the most common unsupportive behavior she sees, and it frustrates her the most. "If there's an emergency, and if the baby's heart rate drops, tons of nurses will come running in and start doing all kinds of stuff with the mom, and the dad's just over there sleeping, or pulls the blanket over their head so they don't have to be bothered by what's going on — that's my biggest pet peeve, that's crazy," Richard said. Hamilton recalled a woman screaming during labor while "this guy is trying to cover his ears to get a better snoozy position. I was so aggravated."
Richard emphasized that birth partners should only sleep when the laboring person is sleeping. "It's such a short chapter in your life ... I don't think it's that big of an inconvenience for you to also be awake with them." In some cases, she has woken up sleeping men with, "Hey, time to be up now. We need you [to be] a part of this."
2. Complaining About Their Own Discomfort
While their partner endures the ordeal of childbirth, some men make the day about themselves. Hamilton noted that when a man's first instinct is to worry about his own comfort—comments like "How do you work the TV?" or "I need more pillows"—it raises a red flag. "Just a couple weeks ago, I had a dad make a comment about how this was really inconvenient for him because he had been working all day," Richard said. "And I'm just like, 'What the heck?' I can't even imagine saying that to someone, let alone your partner that you're supposed to be having a baby with."
3. Playing Video Games
Some men prioritize screens over their partners. "I've seen them with headsets on so they're fully involved in an online game, while there's just like chaos going on around them," Richard said. Hamilton recalled a man who went to Best Buy while his wife was in labor to get a 55-inch monitor because his gaming system wouldn't hook up to the hospital TVs. Richard noted that playing games is acceptable if the partner is comfortable or resting, but "when your partner's awake crying ... playing your video games isn't inappropriate."
4. Leaving When It Matters Most
Nurses often encounter partners who leave at critical moments. "I had a guy one time who had signed up for a timeshare talk, and literally left his wife when she was eight centimeters dilated to go to a timeshare talk and missed the birth of his child," Hamilton said. Guzmán recalled a father who moved his recliner to face the TV and never acknowledged the nurses, then abruptly left saying he needed to walk outside. "Meanwhile, his partner's in the bed, who literally can't leave the room, who's the one doing all the hard things, and he's turning it into this situation where it's about him," she said.
5. Making Inappropriate Comments About Their Partner's Body
After childbirth, vaginal repairs may require stitches. Richard has heard men make "incredibly inappropriate comments about sewing it up tighter or 'Is it going to look as good as it did before?'"
6. Judging Their Partner's Decisions During Childbirth
Hamilton said it's unsupportive when men insert judgments about pain management choices, such as "You don't need an epidural" or "You're being a wimp." "I am going to support whatever she wants, but he's making it so much harder for her to get relief," Hamilton said. Guzmán said she tries to get judgmental men out of the room by asking them to fetch water, then asks the patient what she truly wants. Hamilton also noted that men sometimes override decisions about who is in the room, like bringing in a mother-in-law, indicating a lack of respect for boundaries.
How to Be a Better Birth Partner
Fortunately, supportive birth partners outnumber the disengaged ones, nurses said. However, many confused or nervous partners could benefit from guidance. Richard advised asking the pregnant partner before labor, "What do you think would be helpful if you were in a lot of pain?" Some prefer touch, others do not, and discussing this beforehand is crucial. Guzmán recommended humility: "A lot of nurses would really admire someone to say, I don't know what to do, but I want to be helpful."
For pregnant individuals concerned about their partner's behavior, Hamilton encouraged bringing someone else—a sibling, best friend, or even a hairdresser. "It's OK to pick someone that others may see as random. Protect your peace. Labor is too hard to bring someone with you who is just going to make it harder."
