In a culture of toxic positivity, waking up without feeling completely happy can be especially challenging. This feeling is often worsened when scrolling through social media feeds filled with smiling friends on vacation or at their weddings. It is easy to believe you should simply be happy, but experts say the issue runs deeper, involving specific behaviors and beliefs that prevent you from feeling your best.
Below, mental health professionals share the thought patterns, limiting behaviors, and beliefs that most affect your happiness and fulfillment, along with their best advice for overcoming negativity.
Shame, Guilt, and Worry
"I think shame, guilt, and worry are the most common disruptors of happiness, just in what I see in working with people," said Tamika Lewis, clinical director and founder of WOC Therapy in California. When experiencing these feelings, you hold yourself hostage to past experiences or worry about the future, preventing you from being in the present moment and disrupting contentment and joy.
Practicing self-compassion is one way to combat these feelings, Lewis noted. She emphasized the importance of having grace for yourself and practicing mindfulness to stay present. Additionally, Lewis discusses the Hawaiian practice of ho'oponopono with her clients, which involves reciting four phrases: "I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you." She encourages closing your eyes and repeating this mantra four times to address guilt, shame, and self-love.
Gratitude is another tool. "If we can keep our focus on the things we are grateful for, especially when we tend to be critical about our bodies or performance, giving thanks can be a quick hack," Lewis said.
Not Taking Action in Your Life
Many clients avoid pursuing activities, decisions, or passions that bring happiness, such as staying in an unfulfilling relationship or avoiding a job switch due to comfort. Sadaf Siddiqi, a psychotherapist in New York City, explained that some people get stuck in cycles of rumination, preventing them from taking action. Procrastination, fear, or deflection—focusing excessively on others—can also play a role.
Taking action toward a joy-filled life must be intentional. In a fast-paced society, action might mean taking a step back. It requires understanding that mistakes are inevitable. "If you are always preventing action because you are afraid of messing up, it leads to decision paralysis," Siddiqi said. She recommends micro-steps, as small shifts often lead to change.
Comparing Yourself to Others
Comparative thinking, especially through social media, undermines happiness. Stephanie Dahlberg, a licensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Nashua, New Hampshire, noted that even without conscious envy, seeing others' curated lives triggers natural comparison. To stop this, limit social media time and start the day by writing five things you are grateful for.
Shavonne Moore-Lobban, a psychologist in Washington, D.C., reminded that social media shows only the best moments. "We do not have access to people's challenging moments," she said. Society often discourages vulnerability, encouraging people to present only positive sides.
Should Statements
Expectations about what life should look like, known as "should" statements, also hinder happiness. Dahlberg explained that focusing on what you should have done or achieved pulls you from the present moment. Instead, try to be present and appreciate what is in front of you, even in difficult circumstances.
Not Having a Strong Connection With Yourself
Lacking self-connection damages happiness, according to Siddiqi. This can manifest as outsourcing your worth to others' opinions or not knowing your values, limitations, and strengths. Understanding and accepting your flaws is key. A stronger self-connection helps you set healthy boundaries and take confident action.
Ignoring Deeper Problems
Suppressing deep-seated issues, especially trauma, harms happiness. Moore-Lobban emphasized that trauma is prevalent and must be addressed for healing. "Being able to explore challenging experiences is part of getting to happiness," she said. Siddiqi added that underlying mental health issues like depression may require lifestyle changes, medication, or therapy.
Isolation
Isolation is a major source of unhappiness and depression. Lewis stressed the importance of connecting with loved ones daily. Call family, invite a friend over, or make plans with a coworker to combat loneliness.
How to Capture More Joy
Start by setting an intention. Lewis suggests asking, "How do I want to feel today?" and considering what if this were your last day. Avoid making happiness a final goal. Siddiqi advised that happiness is not a destination but choices along the way. Accept the ups and downs, and strive for joy and fulfillment beyond mere happiness.
