It is well established that people today experience higher levels of stress, anxiety, and loneliness than previous generations. While these issues are often examined in adults, they are also increasingly prevalent among teens and children. There is no single reason why society, and specifically children, are struggling more in modern times, although screens, digital culture, and other contemporary stressors certainly contribute. This is true for all young people; however, there are several issues that particularly affect boys right now. Here is what to know.
The Manosphere and Toxic Masculinity
Young boys are especially susceptible to the "manosphere," a toxic culture that leaves them feeling isolated. The manosphere describes the many online communities that preach toxic masculinity and misogyny, and it is a growing problem in society. Carine Diverlus, a psychotherapist and founder of Pieces to Peace Psychotherapy in Toronto, explains that young boys are highly vulnerable to these harms. Many men who subscribe to these views believe there is prejudice against men in current society. This ideology normalizes the idea that men are naturally dominant, as noted by the Canadian Museum of Human Rights, and also normalizes violence toward women and girls. For those who engage with problematic podcasts, message boards, or anti-feminist videos promoting these views, those beliefs ultimately shape their interactions with the world and create a harmful relationship with themselves. Diverlus states, "They are being taught to believe that men are superior, that men deserve all these things ... but at the root of these beliefs are a lot of insecurities."
Shame and Emotional Suppression
There is also a great deal of shame associated with these toxic beliefs and expectations, because they push boys to show up in a particular way. Diverlus explains that there are many high standards that come with that, regarding what it looks like for them to "be a man" that are either unattainable, unrealistic, or just ridiculous. This contributes to the difficult, heavy emotions that young boys carry. Yet, there is no outlet for those emotions, because young boys are not stereotypically given permission to feel them, especially not within the manosphere. Diverlus notes that boys, and particularly Black boys, are not allowed by society to have and experience emotions. Boys who feel unable to show their emotions may shut down, retreat to their bedroom, or even start to yell. "There is an encouragement of separation between self and emotion, and the reality is that when you are separating yourself from your emotions, you are separated from self entirely," Diverlus says. "If you are not allowed to be fully yourself, if you are not allowed to be fully in your body, and to fully experience life, it ultimately will lead to dissatisfaction, unfulfillment, and this general lack of happiness." This is confusing for young boys, and it is also lonely. "It is such an isolating experience where you don't feel a sense of safety to go to anyone to talk about what you are going through," Diverlus adds.
Breakdown of Community
There has also been a breakdown of community throughout society, leading to a striking lack of connection among everyone, prompting experts to raise alarms about a loneliness epidemic. This crisis is even more heightened in children and is causing issues for young people, including boys. Kenneth Barish, a clinical professor of psychology at Weill Cornell Medicine in New York, recalls that when he was growing up, he lived in a community and felt connected to his community and to other children. Families were more connected. "We have become much less connected and kids need communities. Kids need support from not just families and parents and extended families, but mentors, coaches, teachers," Barish says. There are several reasons why we are less connected now. Parents work more, and they likely work nontraditional hours due to our always-on culture. There is also more stress and economic inequality in society, which allows people less time to devote to children. When opportunities for relationships break down, that is a tremendous source of distress for children. Adults in a community, whether they are parents, coaches, aunts, or uncles, often offer encouragement to children throughout their lives. Without that, their mental health suffers. "They are much more likely to become discouraged, withdrawn, and then at risk for all kinds of mental health problems," Barish says.
Less Time for Play
Another factor contributing to children's unhappiness is less opportunity for play. Barish explains that play is not just fun, although fun is good and healthy. Data show that children overall spend less time playing as the focus has shifted from fun and play to academic success, even in the early grades. "Schools have decreased the amount of play time and increased the amount of academic time, and that actually is counterproductive because kids need play for their social development," Barish says. "Play is helpful for their social maturity and for their ability to learn social skills, to learn accommodation to others, and to be creative." A decrease in the amount of time that children are given to play may be another contributing factor to why kids are unhappy now. "Kids who play a lot are happier," he adds.
What You Can Do to Help
To help young boys, or any young child, thrive, adults can take several steps. Barish recommends spending more time listening. "This is what we all need, otherwise we get stuck in bad feelings." This can cause anxiety and discouragement to take over, but if an adult talks through these emotions with a child, it can help these feelings pass and even give children tools to work through tough feelings. Diverlus suggests allowing them to be soft and open with you, and sharing what it looks like to express emotions in a healthy way. It is also important to enthusiastically engage with them about their strengths and interests. "That is the best way to develop our relationship, to begin conversations, and to provide kids with support," Barish says. Another way to increase their happiness and deepen relationships is by playing with your child or grandchild. "I am a believer in parents and grandparents playing with kids. I think that is even better because then they get the benefit not just of play, but of playing with us, and it strengthens our relationship," Barish explains. Letting young boys know that you are proud of them is also important, not just for their accomplishments, such as scoring a goal or getting an A, but for their effort and their kindness to others. Speaking of kindness, it is also important to help foster goodness by getting involved as a family in helping others. "Helping others is really good for all of us at every age, even young kids, because it gives them a different sense of what they have to offer." Childhood is a time of change as children grow into adulthood. Diverlus notes that there is so much shaping of their future in the world that happens, and there are many ways that each and every one of us has interacted with young boys that may not have been the healthiest. "Maybe it is the pressure that we put on them ... or it is the way that we are trying to get them to feed into being strong. All these tropes carry so much more weight and impact than we actually realize in the moment." Living with toxic masculinity is harmful to everyone, not just young boys. Diverlus stresses that toxic masculinity impacts and harms us all, and we all end up being so much more jaded and unhappy as a result of that.
