Therapy Insights: Common Struggles and Strengths of Only Children
If you grew up as an only child, you have probably encountered a range of stereotypical comments throughout your life. Phrases like "It must be lonely growing up all alone," "Your parents must have spoiled you," or "Do you struggle to make friends?" are often thrown your way. However, recent research indicates that many of these portrayals are inaccurate. Moreover, while the single-child family structure was once rare, it is now the fastest-growing family unit in the United States. According to the Pew Research Center, approximately 20% of households with children have just one child.
Despite the increasing prevalence of growing up without siblings, a persistent stigma still surrounds only children. To shed light on this, we consulted therapists about the most common issues they hear from only children in therapy sessions. Altheresa Clark, a licensed therapist and owner of Inspire4Purpose, told HuffPost that "therapy can be a healthy space ... to learn about themselves and how they interact with the world around them" as only children. Below, we explore what only children often discuss in therapy, along with helpful tips for addressing each challenge.
Yearning for Sibling-Like Connections in Adulthood
In therapy, adult only children frequently express feelings of loneliness stemming from their smaller family size and lack of sibling relationships. Rebecca Greene, a mental health therapist and author of "One & Done: The Guide to Raising a Happy & Thriving Only Child," explained, "They have fewer family members to rely on for support than someone who has multiple siblings. Holidays can be especially lonely for some only children because they often don't have the big family gatherings that you see in movies and on TV."
To fill this void, many only children seek out close friendships that feel like family, as Clark noted. She emphasized, "There's a saying [that] if you don't have family, then make your own family—and I believe this wholeheartedly. In building your community, find friends, organizations, and community work where you can find like-minded individuals who can provide support to you that feels like family." Greene added that inviting close friends to celebrate holidays and milestones can be beneficial, and they can also help their own children form friendships akin to first cousins.
Feeling Solely Responsible for Parents' Elder Care
Another significant issue is the burden of elder care. Greene pointed out, "Many adult only children feel overwhelmed and stressed being the only person in their family to handle all the elder care responsibilities for their elderly parents." This can include tasks like taking parents to medical appointments, assisting with meal preparation, and managing finances, which becomes even more challenging if the child lives far away.
To alleviate this pressure, Greene recommends seeking help from geriatric care managers, social workers, and companions for the elderly. She also stressed the importance of proactive planning: "Only children can talk with their parents as well as their own spouse or partner to discuss plans for their parents' elder care ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page."
Pressure to Be Perfect
While the close attention from parents can foster strong bonds, it may also lead to feelings of constant scrutiny. Clark observed, "Only children can experience extreme pressure from their parents to excel in different areas of their lives that can lead to perfectionism or a type-A personality. [This] can lead to living their lives in fear of disappointing people." Simply understanding this association and having a safe space, such as therapy, to process these experiences can help only children be less hard on themselves.
Independence in Relationships
Growing up as an only child often cultivates a strong sense of independence, which can be both a strength and a weakness, according to Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Kaur Counseling. On the positive side, only children are typically self-reliant, skilled at entertaining themselves, and comfortable in their own company. Greene added, "They are often take-charge kind of people who make great leaders and get things done in an innovative way. However, others may sometimes view them as bossy or wanting to do things their way."
To improve collaboration, Greene suggests focusing on communication skills, such as using "I" statements to express feelings or needs. Tahim also recommends asking questions and listening to others' perspectives to foster better understanding.
Feeling Misunderstood or Judged
This is a common issue, especially in support groups, as Greene noted: "There is definitely still a stigma around being an only child because families with two to three children are still more of the norm in this country. Having siblings is more of the typical family experience for most people." Stereotypes are further perpetuated by negative portrayals in movies and TV shows, where only children are often depicted as spoiled, selfish, or socially inept.
Greene advocates for more positive representations that highlight the strengths and benefits of being an only child, and urges people not to judge based solely on sibling status. For support, she recommends joining Facebook groups for only children, which offer thousands of members for sharing questions, resources, and insights. Therapy can also be an effective venue for exploring how childhood experiences shape identity, regardless of birth order.
Tahim concluded, "Whether you are an only child, [oldest child], middle child, or [youngest] child, there are pros and cons to each. It's how we choose to grow, learn, and adapt ... that truly matters."
