Passive-aggressive behavior occurs frequently in everyday interactions with friends, romantic partners, family members, and co-workers. Because it can be insidious, you may not always recognize when it's happening to you — or when you're guilty of it yourself. What does being passive-aggressive mean? It's when you express negative emotions, such as anger or hostility, in an indirect manner, explained Los Angeles clinical psychologist Ryan Howes — particularly in a way that is easily deniable or not directly linked to the aggressor.
He offered an example: Say you were frustrated with a loved one. Instead of telling them how you feel, you just “forget” to pick them up from the train station that day. “This is easily deniable as a simple brain fart, but deep down you know you didn't pick them up because you wanted payback for whatever they did to anger you,” Howes said. “It's classified as a defense mechanism because you are defending yourself from the potential pain of expressing your pain or anger directly and reaping their response, which might hurt.”
When you're being passive-aggressive, you're attempting to convey your feelings without actually saying what you want to say, Toronto-based relationship expert and sexologist Jess O'Reilly told HuffPost. “It can be confusing, annoying and harmful to relationships,” said O'Reilly, founder of Happier Couples Inc. “And you're less likely to get what you want if you're unclear in the first place.”
Why People Use Passive-Aggressive Communication
Though we all engage in passive-aggressive behavior now and then, this type of communication tends to be more habitual among people who are avoidant and conflict-averse, as well as those lacking self-esteem. You might communicate this way because you find it too difficult or uncomfortable to directly express yourself, associate clinical social worker Miya Yung told HuffPost. “Being passive-aggressive often entails a desire to avoid face-to-face conflict, not being truly honest about what [someone is] thinking, or making subtle comments that appear harmless yet have an underlying negative impact on the receiver,” said Yung, who works at The Connective, a Northern California therapy and wellness practice.
Passive-aggressive behavior can show up in many forms, from giving the silent treatment to pouting to procrastinating on a task you agreed to do. Here, we focus on the verbal manifestations. We asked relationship experts to identify some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases and what to say instead.
Common Passive-Aggressive Phrases and Alternatives
1. “Good for you.”
While this statement can be used to express sincere happiness, it's often used passive aggressively, said Howes. “There can be envy or resentment lurking below the surface, and is, at times, a statement about the unfairness of a situation,” he said. For example: “We both worked hard on the same projects, but you got the raise. Good for you.” Instead, Howes suggests sincerely congratulating the other person and then saying, “I'd love to be where you are sometime, too. Can you help me strategize ways to get there?”
2. “I'm sorry you feel that way.”
This may sound like a genuine apology, but adding “you feel that way” puts blame on the other person's feelings rather than taking responsibility. “You are saying, 'I stand by what I said and I'm sorry you're having this reaction to it, but that's your problem,'” New York City clinical psychologist Melissa Robinson-Brown, known as “Dr. Mel,” told HuffPost. Instead, she recommends saying, “I'm sorry I hurt you” or “I apologize that what I said caused you pain.”
3. “It's fine.”
Claiming everything is fine when you're upset is a passive-aggressive move. “You may be hoping that someone takes action to address the fact that you're not actually fine, but you refuse to ask for the support or attention,” O'Reilly said. “You may be testing them to see if they'll follow through. You may be trying to shut down the conversation.” The solution: Say what you mean. “Do you feel overwhelmed, under-appreciated, unsafe, sad, scared, hopeless, jealous, dismissed or something else?” O'Reilly said. “How are they to know how you feel if you refuse to acknowledge or share your own feelings?”
4. “Whatever.”
According to Howes, this comment often comes after trying to explain your viewpoint several times. “It could be a situation like, 'I told you I don't like reality shows, but you insist on watching them all the time. Whatever,'” he said. To address the root problem, he suggests saying, “Hey, it seems like we're not really hearing each other. Let's talk about what you like about reality TV, and I'll tell you what I don't like, and maybe we can find some compromise.”
5. “If you say so.”
This statement is dismissive and implies the person's opinion cannot be trusted, Robinson-Brown explained. “You are also communicating that you don't wish to continue the conversation.” Instead, be open-minded: “Thank you for sharing your perspective. I understand why you would say that. Would you be open to my sharing my perspective as well?” Or ask for clarification: “I'm not sure I understand what you're saying, could you please clarify?”
6. “You're just too sensitive.”
Telling someone they're “too sensitive” discounts their hurt feelings and shifts blame, Howes said. “It's like saying, 'Why are you so weak that you can't handle the pain I just inflicted on you?'” A healthier approach: “I can see that I hurt you, and I'm very sorry for that. I'd like to understand how I hurt you so I don't do that again. Can you tell me what upset you?”
How to Start Communicating More Directly
The next time you find yourself uttering one of these phrases, pause, take a breath, and try a different approach, O'Reilly said. She suggests saying, “I'm struggling with X” or “I'm feeling Y” or “I'm scared that Z,” or even just “I'm not sure what to say, but...” “Being straightforward can be scary,” she said. “But it's more likely to lead to meaningful, if uncomfortable, conversations.”
At the end of the day, this is a matter of how authentically you'd like to show up in your life, said Howes. “If you want to play nice and not ruffle feathers, being passive-aggressive is a way to express a little anger while hiding behind a facade of being the friendly person who provides a superficial friendship to everyone,” he said. “But if you want to be authentic, get dirty once in a while, and have a deeper connection earned through some difficult conversations, challenge yourself to speak to what angers you, how you've felt slighted and work toward repair and authentic connection.”
It can be hard to approach situations head-on, especially when that's not how you're used to conducting yourself. But know that “most people will tolerate the discomfort of being called out and respect you for being direct and assertive,” said Howes.
