When individuals decide to stop drinking alcohol, they often anticipate noticeable physical and mental improvements. Common benefits include better sleep patterns, potential weight loss, increased motivation, and more stable moods. However, what receives less attention is the profound impact that sobriety can have on personal relationships, both positively and negatively.
The Unspoken Transformation of Relationships
Paul Churchill, host of the Recovery Elevator Podcast and author of "Dolce Vita: Ditch the Booze and Step into the Good Life," emphasizes this often-overlooked aspect. "Removing alcohol from my life changed every relationship I had. Not a single one went untouched," Churchill revealed. He notes that the most significant change occurred in his relationship with himself. "Since I was no longer poisoning myself on a nightly basis, the self-hatred softened with each passing 24 hours without alcohol, and I was able to look myself in the eyes again," he explained to HuffPost. "As my inner connection with myself improved, the relationships in my outside world became lighter and more authentic."
With Dry January underway and many people considering sobriety or reduced drinking, Churchill and other recovery experts shared insights into how quitting alcohol affects relationships. Their responses, edited for clarity, highlight both challenges and rewards.
You Stop Settling for Second-Rate Relationships
David Hampton, a certified professional recovery coach in the Greater Nashville, Tennessee area, describes how sobriety changes relationship standards. "I would call some of my drinking days relationships 'transactional' or in some cases codependent," Hampton said. He explained that he worked hard to be accepted while drinking to make situations tolerable. Sobriety brought self-acceptance and the realization that he no longer needed to force himself into incompatible situations.
"Once you remove alcohol from the equation, it isn't long at all before you begin to see what you were settling for in relationships, or how certain relationships require you to stay in unhealthy roles," Hampton noted. He describes sobriety as an awakening process where individuals question and reject elements that no longer serve them, which can sometimes be perceived by others as contentiousness.
You Become More Open to Receiving Love and Praise
Sonia Grimes, a recovery coach in Britain, shares how sobriety changed her ability to accept affection. "Whenever I was praised during my drinking years, I would get upset and reject it," Grimes recalled. She felt trapped by guilt and shame about her drinking, believing she didn't deserve praise. Now, she embraces compliments with gratitude and self-love. "I thank them. I hug them and I hug myself. I say clearly and often that I love myself," she said. This self-acceptance makes her more enjoyable to be around, even during challenging moments.
You Become More Present in Relationships
Casey McGuire Davidson, a sober coach and host of "The Hello Someday Podcast for Sober Curious Women," describes how drinking affected her family dynamics. "When I was drinking I often felt overwhelmed, irritated and resentful," she said. After work, she would manage household responsibilities before checking out with wine, leading to poor sleep and exhaustion. Her husband perceived this as avoidance or irritation.
Approximately thirty days after stopping drinking, Davidson asked her husband if he noticed changes. "He said that our home was much more peaceful. My moods were more even. I seemed happier and less stressed out," she reported. Davidson experienced better sleep, improved physical health, and increased honesty in her marriage. She could express emotions like sadness or loneliness without hiding hangovers, allowing her to appreciate life's beautiful moments more fully.
Social Engagements and Fun Require Adjustment
Sobriety often necessitates changes in social activities. Churchill left his Fantasy Football league because drafts became drinking events. "This was hard since my best friends were in the league, but it wasn't the right place for me anymore," he explained. He now opts for men's backpacking trips, finding pine trees preferable to pints.
Davidson and her partner also reinvented their date nights. Instead of dinner and drinks or wine tasting weekends, they explored bookstores, movies, waterfront parks, coffee shops with live music, and even paragliding. "It was actually a really good thing for our marriage. We were more creative and present with each other," she noted.
You Gain Clarity About Relationship Issues
Tricia Lewis, host of the Recovery Happy Hour Podcast, emphasizes that quitting drinking reveals underlying issues. "Quitting drinking isn't about the alcohol, it's about what you're drinking over," Lewis stated. She had to examine her role in family dynamics, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and improve communication skills. Sobriety highlights areas needing attention, and addressing root issues reduces the desire to drink over them.
Sober Dating Intensifies Emotional Experiences
Lewis also discusses sober dating, where emotions become more pronounced. "Dating while sober means you can't drink to numb the anxious nerves of a date that doesn't go well," she explained. Individuals must navigate awkwardness and potential rejection without alcohol's numbing effect. However, this also allows for fully experiencing positive moments. "When you numb the bad, you also numb the good. Don't miss out on all the good," Lewis advised.
You Become Less Inclined to People-Please
Grimes describes how sobriety reduced her people-pleasing tendencies. "I used to people please. Always feeling open to attack," she said. She believed that pleasing others would earn love because she didn't love herself, leading to exhaustion and allowing others to set boundaries that served their agendas. Now, she recognizes that losing inappropriate affection is healthy and not worth grieving.
These insights demonstrate that while sobriety brings physical and mental benefits, its impact on relationships is equally significant, fostering authenticity, presence, and self-respect, albeit with necessary adjustments and challenges.
