Tolyamory is a relationship dynamic where one or both partners tolerate the other's outside sexual or romantic contact without explicit discussion or agreement, according to sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage, who coined the term. Unlike polyamory, which involves consensual non-monogamy, tolyamory is characterized by turning a blind eye to infidelity.
Origin of the Term
Savage introduced tolyamory, a portmanteau of "tolerate" and "polyamory," on his podcast "Savage Lovecast" in January. He described tolyamorous individuals as people who "are willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage" and who "know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got."
Marie Thouin, a relationship researcher and author of the forthcoming book "What Is Compersion?" defined tolyamory as "a relationship style where one or both members of a socially monogamous couple turn a blind eye to the sex their partner is having — or has had — with someone else, in order to maintain the relationship." She noted that tolyamorous partners tolerate but do not openly endorse non-monogamous behavior.
Prevalence of Tolyamory
Though no solid data exists on its prevalence, Thouin believes tolyamory is "very common." She cited famous couples like Hillary and Bill Clinton, where infidelity was exposed yet they remained together as a socially monogamous couple rather than breaking up or openly embracing polyamory. Polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost that tolyamory is "probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy."
A fictional example is Cameron and Daphne from the second season of "White Lotus," as Savage pointed out on his podcast.
Distinction from Other Non-Monogamy Forms
Tolyamory differs from poly under duress (PUD) and don't ask, don't tell (DADT), which are openly negotiated forms of non-monogamy, Thouin said. In PUD, one partner voices a desire for polyamory and the other begrudgingly agrees with informed consent. Tolyamory often arises from discovering infidelity or an ultimatum. DADT involves both partners knowing about outside relations but not discussing them, though it is more likely to be egalitarian, while tolyamory often appears in one-sided dynamics.
Yau emphasized that in tolyamory, "none of those conversations even happen and people just are pretending and are in denial that something is happening."
Why Couples Practice Tolyamory
Cultural norms, gender inequality, and socioeconomic dependence drive tolyamory. In societies where lifelong monogamy is seen as unrealistic, discreet extramarital sex is tolerated to maintain public appearances. Women financially or socially dependent on partners are more likely to tolerate infidelity. However, as gender equality advances, the "infidelity gap" closes, making tolyamory more equal across genders.
Yau noted that some couples avoid open non-monogamy due to stigma: "I don’t want to create the impression that I’m promiscuous or that I’m going to spread STIs or that I’m destroying marriage and family." Tolyamory reflects fear of open communication and the complexity of ending relationships, which often provide mutual care, financial security, and emotional safety.
