Dear Rebecca,
What are the rules these days around who pays for what at weddings? Our daughter is getting married this year. She’s a millennial who has been with her partner for some time. I mention the millennial bit because she is not traditional at all. In fact, I was surprised they were getting married. They live together, have bought a house together, and both have good incomes.
The wedding is in another city from where we live, and they are organizing all of it. But as the bride’s parents, are there certain things we should pay for? Or at least offer? What about his parents? Any suggestions on how to handle?
Mother-of-the-Bride
Dear Mother-of-the-Bride,
First, mazel tov.
Remember when weddings came with an invitation and a date? Well, millennials rewrote the wedding rules. Then Gen Z changed them even more. Now weddings come with a website, a password, and enough financial guesswork to make parents break out in hives. Or at least mild eye twitches.
The timing of your question couldn’t be better. Yesterday, I received a beautiful wedding invitation. Tucked inside was a card directing me to a wedding website, complete with an access code. An access code! Like, logging into online banking!
Modern weddings are emotionally confusing and financially unclear. Parents don’t know whether they’re guests, hosts, sponsors or unpaid interns. These younger generations threw out the old rules and replaced them with, “whatever feels right for us.” That is wonderful for the happy couple, but less wonderful when you’re a mother of the bride trying to determine, usually at 2 a.m. lying awake, whether you’re expected to fund the open bar. Or just show up and applaud.
Once upon a time, the bride’s parents paid. The groom’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner. Everyone pretended this arrangement made perfect sense while secretly wondering who invented it. At least there were rules. Now there aren’t.
Today, the financial expectations aren’t one-size-fits-all, which is progress. The problem is nobody can agree on what replaced them. I know several mothers of the bride currently walking on eggshells, terrified of asking a perfectly reasonable question like, “What are our financial roles here?”
Transparency Over Tradition
Who contributes, to what and how much has become a mystery more complicated than seating charts, because parents over the age of fifty never received an updated memo from their adult engaged children on financial terms and conditions in regard to modern weddings. Millennials and Gen Z aren’t opposed to financial help. They’re opposed to financial help that comes with conditions and control.
So what is a mother-of-the-bride to do? The right thing to do is to think less about tradition and more about transparency. Start a conversation with your daughter and her partner. Ask them directly: “We’d like to contribute. How can we help in a way that feels supportive to you?” You might be surprised. Many couples today prefer to pay for their own wedding to maintain full control. Others welcome contributions but want them to be no-strings-attached gifts rather than payments with expectations.
Consider offering to pay for specific items, such as the rehearsal dinner, the flowers, or the photographer. This gives you a defined role without stepping on their planning toes. Alternatively, you could offer a lump sum and let them decide how to use it. The key is to ask before assuming.
What About the Groom’s Parents?
Traditionally, the groom’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner. Today, that’s often still a good starting point, but again, ask. The couple may have their own ideas. Some parents split costs equally, while others contribute based on their financial ability. The important thing is to have an open, honest discussion early in the planning process to avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings later.
Remember, the goal is to support the couple as they start their married life. Money can be a sensitive topic, but approaching it with love and a willingness to listen can strengthen your relationship with them. So take a deep breath, pick up the phone, and start the conversation. You’ll likely sleep better afterward.
