In a provocative and satirical column published on January 9, 2026, commentator John Snobelen presents a fictional narrative where the United States, under the leadership of President Donald Trump, peacefully assumes control of Canada. The piece, framed as a cautionary tale, uses absurdist logic to mirror contemporary geopolitical rhetoric.
The Hypothetical Justification for Annexation
The satirical scenario begins with the assertion that America "had no choice" but to take over its northern neighbour. The fictional justification hinges on familiar themes: unchecked drug trafficking across the border and national security concerns. Snobelen's America labels the problem with the term "narco-terrorist," using it as a pretext for action.
He further imagines Canada being depicted as a "weak, socialist country" in a strategic location, posing an inherent risk to U.S. security. The column mockingly cites internal Canadian political divisions, "foreign government interference in elections," and the need to install "right-thinking" governance as additional reasons for the takeover.
The Mechanics of a Peaceful Conquest
In this fictional account, the U.S. avoids a traditional invasion. Instead, it executes a swift administrative seizure through executive order, taking command of Canada's banking, securities, and export systems. Mark Carney is left as a figurehead, a "puppet head of state," while also being amusingly installed as the president of Harvard University.
A key satirical stroke is the appointment of Ivanka Trump as the new Governor General, representing the King for "all the Americas." The piece suggests a grand celebration would be held at a Trump White House ballroom to honour both the monarch and the new Governor General.
Economic Motives and Resource Extraction
The column pointedly highlights the economic drivers behind the fictional annexation. It states that Canada's "vast reserves of a commodity America needs" make the action undeniable. Following the takeover, vast tracts of Crown land are auctioned, with First Nations' rights extinguished and environmental barriers removed to expedite resource extraction of lumber, minerals, and oil.
The ultimate prize, however, is revealed to be Canada's "almost inexhaustible reserves of fresh water." Diverting this water to parched American farmland and golf courses is portrayed as the crowning achievement, solidifying political support for the administration.
Revealing the Satire and Its Real Warning
Snobelen eventually breaks the fiction, declaring the scenario "fake news" and joking that noted Canadian businessman Kevin O'Leary would never praise Donald Trump. However, the satire serves a serious purpose.
The column concludes by warning that the "shifting rationale" used in real-world interventions, coupled with a "cavalier disregard for the rule of law," makes America a "real and present danger to the sovereignty of nations that get in its way." It urges readers to consider Canada's ability to resist such "expansionist ways," leaving the chilling, humorous thought that "Ivanka would make a swell governor general and our Canadian water is mighty tempting."
