Wife Seeks Advice After Decades of Controlling Behavior in Marriage
A woman who has been married for four decades has reached her breaking point with her husband's controlling behavior regarding her social interactions. In a heartfelt letter to advice columnist Dear Abby, the writer describes a marriage where her husband dictates whom she can speak with privately and subjects her to intense questioning about her conversations.
Four Decades of Restrictions
The woman explains that she and her husband have shared the same circle of friends throughout their 40-year marriage, participating in numerous activities together including camping trips, parties, and travel. Despite this shared social life, her husband imposes strict rules about her interactions.
"My husband says I'm not allowed to speak privately with the males in our group unless I first confirm with him what I'm talking about," she writes. "He also gives me the third degree about my visits with the wives, mainly to find out if their husbands were around."
What makes this situation particularly troubling is that the woman has never given her husband any reason to doubt her fidelity or intentions. She describes him as someone with "honesty and integrity" whom she loves wholeheartedly, making his controlling behavior even more confusing and hurtful.
Reaching a Breaking Point
After years of enduring these restrictions, the writer has finally reached her limit. "This has been a longtime situation between us, and I'm tired of it — almost to the point of leaving him and enjoying what's left of my life in peace with all kinds of people and relationships," she confesses.
She questions why her husband feels entitled to control her social interactions, asking pointedly: "Where in the world does he get off trying to order me around and think that I can't ask a question of his friends, or visit with his friends and their wives without asking his permission?"
Abby's Response: Addressing Deep-Seated Insecurity
Dear Abby responds with both sympathy and directness, expressing surprise that the woman tolerated this behavior for so long. "Why didn't you write to me about this 39 years ago?" Abby asks, before analyzing the husband's behavior.
The columnist identifies the husband's actions as stemming from "bottomless insecurities and an insatiable need to control" his wife. While she suggests marriage counseling as a potential solution, Abby expresses skepticism about the husband's ability to change after four decades of this pattern.
"Counselling for you alone might give you the courage to draw the line," Abby advises, recognizing that individual therapy might be more immediately helpful for the wife in establishing boundaries.
Additional Letter: Grandparent Rights Concern
The column also includes a second letter from a man dealing with family conflict following his departure from an abusive marriage. After leaving his wife two years ago and entering a healthy relationship with another man, his family has turned against him, refusing to believe that he was abused by a woman.
The situation has escalated to the point where his mother is threatening legal action to secure visitation rights with his 9-year-old daughter. Abby advises the writer to consult with a family law attorney familiar with Ohio's grandparents' rights laws, while expressing sympathy for his difficult position.
These letters highlight the complex challenges that can emerge in long-term relationships and family dynamics, particularly when control, trust, and acceptance become points of conflict. The advice column continues to serve as a resource for those navigating difficult personal situations, offering both practical guidance and emotional support.
