When a family friend named Jerry received divorce papers unexpectedly in the mail, the emotional impact was devastating. He had no indication his marriage to Joan was in trouble, nor that she was contemplating separation. The subsequent revelation that she had been having an affair with a married coworker left him reeling with unanswered questions.
In an unexpected turn of events, Paul's ex-wife—the woman betrayed by the same coworker—reached out to Jerry. Their shared experience of betrayal created an immediate bond, and they eventually began dating. This scenario, once merely neighborhood gossip, now has an official name: Shania Twain-ing.
The Origin of Shania Twain-ing
The term derives from Canadian music icon Shania Twain's personal experience. In 2008, Twain ended her marriage after discovering her husband's affair with her close friend, who was also married at the time. Three years later, in 2011, Twain married that friend's ex-husband, Frédéric Thiébaud.
Reflecting on their unconventional beginning in an interview with Oprah, Twain described their connection poetically: "After we were both thrown off the same cliff together, we sort of grabbed each other midair and it broke the fall."
The Psychology Behind Partner Swapping
According to relationship expert Tammy Nelson, PhD, author of multiple books including Open Monogamy and The New Monogamy, this phenomenon represents more than just romantic connection.
"Shania Twain–ing taps into a deep psychological cocktail of pain, power, and reclamation," Nelson explains. "When someone is betrayed, they often feel powerless, invisible, and discarded. This behavior may be a symbolic reversal of that power dynamic."
For individuals like Jerry, the appeal lies in finding someone who truly understands their experience. "Who else could understand better than the person who the same people betrayed?" Jerry remarked about his relationship with Paul's ex.
When Shared Trauma Leads to Healthy Relationships
Despite the complicated origins, these relationships can evolve into successful partnerships. Krista Walker, LCSW, J.D., Clinical Director at The Ohana Luxury Addiction Treatment Center, notes that success depends on intention and processing.
"Both partners should process the betrayal and focus on each other rather than their exes," Walker advises. Nelson adds that when the relationship develops from "shared understanding, honesty, and emotional accountability, rather than revenge or retaliation, it has more of a chance to evolve into something authentic."
The Risks of Trauma Bonding
Experts caution that relationships born from shared betrayal can sometimes form trauma bonds—intense attachments that develop when unresolved wounds are triggered.
Nelson warns that if the motivation is primarily about "hurting your ex, proving your worth, or reclaiming the upper hand," the relationship will likely deepen existing pain. When such rebound relationships end, individuals face a double dose of heartbreak.
In Jerry's case, he eventually ended the relationship because he recognized that staying in it would perpetually connect him to the circumstances of his divorce.
Finding Healthy Pathways Forward
For those considering a similar path after infidelity, Nelson recommends slowing down and seeking professional guidance to process the betrayal thoroughly.
"Healing is an inside job, not a headline," she reminds those drawn to the dramatic appeal of Shania Twain-ing. While the Canadian singer's story had a happy ending, each situation requires careful consideration of motivations and emotional readiness.
The phenomenon highlights the complex ways people navigate betrayal and the universal search for understanding and connection in the aftermath of heartbreak.
