In an era dominated by screens, a new term has entered the relationship lexicon: phubbing. Described by experts as a silent killer of intimacy, this behaviour involves snubbing a partner in favour of a smartphone. According to Toronto-based relationship expert and couples therapist Lisa Chen, this modern habit is causing quiet havoc in relationships across Canada.
What Exactly is Phubbing?
"Phubbing is the new quiet relationship killer," states Lisa Chen. The act sends an unintentional but powerful message to a partner that their device is more important than the person sitting across from them. The impact is profound, often making the ignored partner feel insecure, unimportant, and lonely.
Chen's observations are echoed by somatic trauma therapist Chloë Bean, LMFT, who specializes in attachment wounds. Bean explains that while phubbing might seem like simple rudeness, its motivations are often deeper. For many, it's a coping mechanism for stress, emotional overload, or a need for a break. "It can reflect an avoidant attachment pattern where the distraction feels safer than being with their own emotions or another’s emotions," Bean notes.
The consequences are not trivial. As illustrated by a real-life example from December 2025, one woman's partner was so engrossed in his phone that entire evenings would pass with only grunts for communication. The situation deteriorated to the point where she felt compelled to discuss serious relationship issues via text message, even while they sat side by side. This behaviour triggered old abandonment wounds and eroded her self-esteem.
When Does Screen Time Become a Red Flag?
Experts are quick to clarify that not all phone use is problematic. In moderation, scrolling through social media or watching videos can be a legitimate way to decompress. The line is crossed, however, when it becomes a consistent pattern of avoidance.
"It becomes a red flag when someone consistently chooses their phone over being in the present moment or over opportunities for emotional connection," warns Bean. The most telling sign that phubbing has become an issue in a relationship is a pervasive feeling of loneliness, even when physically together with a partner.
This dynamic doesn't create insecurity from scratch but is potent at activating pre-existing wounds. It can fuel paranoia and make a partner question their worth, wondering who or what on the device is commanding such devoted attention.
How Canadian Couples Can Fight Back Against Phubbing
The good news, according to therapists, is that recognizing phubbing is the first step toward repair. There is still an opportunity to turn things around if both partners are willing. The solution begins with communication, but of a specific kind.
Bean advises naming the behaviour pattern instead of blaming the person. Using "I" statements can be transformative. For instance, saying, "When you scroll during dinner, I feel far away and disconnected from you. Can we talk about our day?" invites understanding rather than defensiveness.
Practical steps include setting clear boundaries and creating small pockets of phone-free time. Experts suggest implementing no-phone rules during meals or shared activities. A particularly powerful ritual is dedicating the last 30 minutes before bed to phone-free connection, whether for talking, sharing moments of gratitude, or simply being together.
"These repair and connect rituals create more co-regulation opportunities that soothe the insecure or anxious partner and create more stability for when the phone use is present," explains Bean.
Ultimately, addressing the root cause is crucial. Couples are encouraged to explore the "why" behind the phubbing behaviour. Is it anxiety, boredom, overwhelm, or something else? Seeking guidance from a licensed therapist in Canada can help couples parse these motivations, increase empathy, and reduce defensiveness. As Bean reminds us, understanding each other's nervous systems paves the way for a deeper, more present connection, free from the silent threat of the smartphone.
