In an ideal world, we would all be able to tell our partners exactly what we are feeling as soon as we feel it. However, real life often falls short of that ideal. It may feel too vulnerable to express a need outright, or you may worry about being dismissed, ignored, or met with hostility. That is where passive aggression often comes into play.
"Passive aggression is an indirect expression of emotions or unmet needs," explained Tara Rullo, a trauma and couples therapist and owner of Middle Way Psychotherapy. "Underneath passive-aggressive comments are vulnerable emotions like sadness, loneliness, overwhelm, fear, or longing."
Understanding Passive Aggression
As an example, Rullo described a couple where one partner has been retreating into their phone. "Instead of their partner saying, 'I'm feeling ignored,' or 'I want to connect with you,' the bid may come out sideways through comments like 'Don't let me interrupt your phone' or 'Must be something really important on there,'" she said. "Underneath these comments is a natural longing for connection, but because the need is wrapped in irritation and sarcasm, the receiving partner hears criticism, contempt, or undefined emotional distress instead."
Below, relationship experts describe some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases used with significant others, then break down how to turn those moments into genuine opportunities for connection.
'It's fine.' / 'I'm fine.'
This is one of those examples where the words mean one thing, but "your partner can clearly pick up on a tone," said Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and author of "Love Every Day." "If the tone doesn't match, the tone is all your partner's gonna focus on." They will sense your distress but have no way of knowing what is wrong—only that you are upset with them. If you catch yourself saying this, Elizabeth Earnshaw, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of "'Til Stress Do Us Part," recommended that you do your best to catch yourself in the moment and try to name the real feeling instead. A quick script might look like: "Actually, I'm not fine. I don't know why I said that. I am feeling [angry/sad/etc.]."
'Must be nice.'
Rullo flagged this kind of comment as one of the most concerning patterns she sees. "Must be nice"—as in, "must be nice to have zero responsibilities" or "must be nice to relax while I do everything"—can veer into what Gottman calls contempt, which she said "is considered the single strongest predictor of relationship breakdown." What contempt signals, Earnshaw said, is that "you're not only frustrated but have also lost a fundamental sense of respect for the other person." The sarcasm in this kind of comment allows you to disguise it as humor, but the underlying message is loud and clear.
'I guess I just can't do anything right.'
"Your partner gives you feedback or raises a concern, and you say, 'Well, I guess I can't do anything right then,'" Solomon said. "It's passive-aggressive because you're not addressing your partner's concern and you're generalizing." It is also a form of what Earnshaw called "chronic victim-playing." Instead of engaging with the specific issue—or taking a second to acknowledge that you are feeling criticized and having a response to that—you turn the moment into a referendum on your worth. It shuts down the conversation your partner was trying to have and takes it to a much more global and less productive place.
'I shouldn't have to ask.'
Couples therapist Zach Brittle described "should" as a common tell that there is some passive aggression at play: "I shouldn't have to ask" and "you should know" are both common culprits. Ideally, Brittle said, the speaker would communicate "from a place of desire (rather than demand)." This might look like reframing "you should" statements as "I would really like…" Earnshaw also gave the example of a partner who is feeling neglected and snaps at their significant other, saying, "If you cared, you'd know." Instead, that partner might try saying, "I'm feeling lonely, and I'd love it if we could plan a date night soon."
'Wow, look who finally decided to help.'
This is another comment that can be defended as a joke if it lands badly—but the person on the receiving end will find it almost impossible not to respond to the cutting tone underneath. As with the "must be nice" genre of comments, this kind of comment can communicate "superiority, disgust, disrespect, ridicule, or disdain," Rullo said. "Instead of 'I'm upset with you,' the message becomes 'I'm above you' and 'there is something fundamentally wrong with you.'" That kind of atmosphere—where one or both partners "consistently feel looked down on, mocked, or dismissed"—can be hard to repair.
'Someone else's partner always does this / never does this.'
This kind of comment can take a few forms: "My sister's husband gives the kids a bath every night" or "Dave's wife never asks him to help with the laundry." Instead of directly communicating something you wish your partner would do, you use comparison to express your unhappiness. The subtext, as Solomon explained, is always the same: "Why can't you?" Your partner is put in the position of either asking you directly why you are bringing that up, or—more likely—reacting defensively to the way you have just put them down.
'I'm just the kind of person who likes to focus on what other people need.'
Again, the subtext is the issue here. Solomon said that this is an example of "describing yourself in a particular way that's positive, and the subtext is you're describing your partner in a negative way." In other words, "I'm the kind of person who likes to focus on what other people need—unlike you." The more honest version, she said, would sound something like, "I'm feeling troubled by the fact that I feel like there's an imbalance here," or "Sometimes I don't understand the choices that you make because they are so different than the choices that I make."
'Whatever you want.'
This comment, when intended passive-aggressively, is often accompanied with a "heavy tone or eye roll," per Earnshaw. Like "I'm fine," it is a form of stonewalling, what Earnshaw described as "withdrawing emotionally while making it obvious something is wrong." If you are feeling the urge to say something like "whatever you want" about a suggestion you are clearly not happy about, Earnshaw recommended two things: first, taking whatever time you need to cool down and communicate more clearly; and second, being honest that you are not satisfied with the current plan. You might try saying something like, "I'm not excited about that option. Let's keep looking for a solution that works for both of us."
The Damage Passive Aggression Can Do
Because these kinds of comments do not directly address an emotion or unmet need, they can provide a cover for the speaker: If the comment is received badly, they can pretend they were just joking or accuse the other person of reading too much into it. However, this kind of retreat does not negate the harm that these comments can cause.
"Passive-aggressive comments aren't like yelling and screaming and name-calling," Solomon said. "But they chip away at connection, they erode connection, and they erode intimacy. It is a big deal." There is harm in both the passivity—the listener is left confused about what is actually being communicated—and the aggression, which leaves the listener feeling defensive. Earnshaw described passive aggression as "corrosive" over time: "the giver feels chronically unheard; the receiver feels constantly criticized but can't respond cleanly."
When that becomes a pattern, communication really starts to break down. These kinds of comments can also be used as a defensive strategy in equally harmful ways—if one partner feels attacked, they might say something like "I guess I'm just a bad person" or "I guess I can't do anything right" as a way to deflect criticism or otherwise derail the conversation. The effect is the same: The listener is left confused, defensive, and ill-equipped to respond, since the real emotion driving the comment is never named. At the core of the problem is how passive-aggressive comments can reframe the way couples tackle challenges.
"Whenever there is conflict with our partner, there is always an opportunity to put the problem in front, to move into a side-by-side stance and look together with our partner at the problem," Solomon said. "Passive-aggressive comments reflect and reinforce this idea that it's me versus you instead of you and me against the problem."
There Is a Better Way to Communicate
All the experts polled here shared similar advice on how to communicate rather than resorting to passive aggression: Take the time to figure out what is really going on with you, then do your best to communicate that directly, using "I feel" and "I need" statements as much as possible. For both the person making passive-aggressive comments and the person on the receiving end, suggesting you pause the conversation until you can communicate more clearly and gently calling out the behavior that you are seeing can be good ways to set the conversation back on track. For the person engaging in passive aggression, that might mean saying something like, "I notice that I tend to move into passive-aggressive behavior when I feel overwhelmed. I'm really trying to change that behavior." For the listener, that might mean saying something like, "When you say 'whatever,' I feel shut out. Can we talk about what's actually going on?" In both scenarios, it acknowledges the aggression that was previously masked, and it tells your partner that you are committed to communicating more directly.
If you are recognizing these passive-aggressive comments from your own relationship, do not be too hard on yourself—and do not take it as a sign that all is lost. "[Passive aggression] is not like a personality trait," Solomon clarified. "The vast majority of us grew up not seeing conflict handled well, and so we come into our intimate partnerships with legitimate skill deficits. The good news is that this is all something that can be learned."
