In a heartfelt letter to the renowned advice columnist Dear Abby, a man identifying as "Unsettled in New Jersey" has opened up about the profound doubts he carries regarding his 38-year marriage. The man, who has three adult children and four grandchildren, is grappling with the possibility that he remained in the union primarily out of a sense of obligation.
The Weight of a Lifetime Decision
The core of his uncertainty stems from the beginning of his relationship. He reveals that he married his wife after she became pregnant at a young age. For decades, he has repeatedly asked himself if he should have ended the marriage after the birth of their first child and moved on to a different life. He describes his current state as having "tolerated the lifestyle I created," indicating a deep-seated feeling of unrest and unfulfillment.
The letter, published on November 28, 2025, presents a classic dilemma of duty versus personal happiness, a situation many face but few articulate so openly after such a long commitment.
Abby's Measured and Practical Response
In her response, Dear Abby, penned by Jeanne Phillips, offers a balanced and pragmatic perspective. She immediately acknowledges the potential consequences of a divorce at this stage in life, pointing out that it would "disrupt the family unit you created and have nurtured all these years." She prompts the man to consider whether the ensuing pain and financial expense would be worth the pursuit of freedom, and crucially, what he plans to do with that freedom if he attains it.
Abby's primary recommendation is for the man to seek professional guidance. She suggests that "discussions with a licensed counselor may help you gain perspective." Furthermore, she proposes a practical exercise: compiling a list of reasons to stay married versus reasons to leave. By setting this list aside for a few days and then reviewing it, he might find the clarity he seeks.
Her final piece of advice strikes a chord of compassionate realism. "No one’s life is perfect," she writes, "but if you are truly unhappy, it should never be too late to make a change." This empowers the man to make his own decision while fully understanding the implications.
Other Reader Concerns Addressed
The same column featured advice for two other individuals. "Cursed in Michigan" sought help for a worsening habit of swearing, which they linked to stress from moving to a new community. Abby advised identifying the underlying causes of stress to manage the problem.
Another writer, "More Grown Up in Missouri," asked for guidance on introducing a new boyfriend to her mother, who still held a grudge against him for a hurtful comment he made in grade school. Abby recommended a gradual approach, first casually mentioning the boyfriend's positive changes before announcing the relationship officially.
This edition of the Dear Abby column, founded by Pauline Phillips and now written by her daughter Jeanne Phillips, continues its long tradition of providing thoughtful, measured advice on the complex personal issues that define the human experience.
