In a heartfelt letter to the popular advice column Dear Abby, a woman from New York is grappling with how to handle a friend whose repeated comments have crossed the line from supportive to deeply hurtful. The columnist, Jeanne Phillips, published the query on December 30, 2025, offering her signature blend of directness and compassion.
The Dilemma: Weight Loss and Grief Met With Criticism
The writer, who signs her letter "Slow Loser in New York," is on a significant health journey. She has successfully lost 50 pounds from her highest weight and continues to lose at a steady pace. This effort has yielded tangible results, bringing her A1C levels down to a pre-diabetic range. However, a recent flare-up of sciatica and arthritis in her knee forced her to cancel planned travel.
Instead of offering sympathy, a close friend suggested that her weight was the direct cause of these painful conditions, bluntly stating that losing more would solve the problems. The writer found this remark condescending, hurtful, and disrespectful, noting that many thin people also suffer from sciatica and arthritis. This was not an isolated incident.
Previously, when the writer was mourning the death of another dear friend and became emotional, this same individual advised her to "get out more and socialize"—a particularly tone-deaf suggestion given that this occurred during the COVID-19 pandemic. The writer is now questioning the foundation of the friendship itself.
Abby's Advice: Two Paths Forward
Jeanne Phillips, writing as Abigail Van Buren, provided two clear options. She acknowledged that the friend might be attempting to help in a misguided way or may simply be clueless about the impact of her words.
The first strategy is direct confrontation. Phillips advises the writer to wait for the next insensitive comment and then calmly explain that it's the third strike, reiterating the points made in the letter about how the friend's words are perceived.
The second, and perhaps more straightforward option, is to gracefully end the relationship. Phillips suggests simply "icing her out" from now on as a form of self-care, removing a source of negativity from her life.
A Second Concern: Blending Families
The same column also featured a letter from "Protector in the South," who is worried about her daughter's marriage. The daughter and son-in-law, both professionals married for ten years with no children, plan to move his mother, "Anita," from California to Tennessee.
They intend to remodel their attic so Anita can live downstairs. The concerned mother fears this arrangement could spell disaster, especially since Anita has another daughter with two children who currently live with her. Phillips advised that if the plans are still in the early stages, the writer should voice her concerns one time to both her daughter and son-in-law together, then step back and not insert herself further.
The Dear Abby column, founded by Pauline Phillips and now written by her daughter Jeanne Phillips, continues to be a trusted source for navigating complex personal and social situations. Readers can contact the column at DearAbby.com or by mail.
