Throughout my life, my father was a constant source of wisdom, regularly delivering guidance and insights, especially during challenging moments or when I was at a fork in the road. He was also ready to jump in and stand up for me whenever he felt it was warranted. And he knew when to step back and let me fly on my own, so that I could learn and grow.
The fact that he was such a great parent was especially remarkable because his own father was not part of his life to provide any tips on raising children. And parenting, while immensely rewarding, is a tough job with an especially steep learning curve.
With that in mind, and in honor of Father’s Day, we asked older fathers to share some of the fathering advice they wish they’d been given as young dads. Whether you’re just starting on your parenting journey or are several years in, read on for words of wisdom that come from the lived experiences of fathers who’ve been there and done that.
Don’t Confuse Providing with Connecting
As a young dad, it’s easy to believe that being a good father means working hard, paying bills, solving problems, and making sure everyone has what they need. While those things are certainly important, they’re not the same as a meaningful connection with your kids, Mark Papadas, 61, father of three and founder of I AM 4 Kids, a movement meant to help children develop confidence and life skills, told HuffPost.
“Kids do not only need a dad who provides for them. They need a dad who is emotionally available to them,” Papadas said. “I wish I had understood sooner that a child may not remember every sacrifice you made, but they will remember whether you get happy when they walked into the room.”
Your Child Is Not Giving You a Hard Time; They’re Usually Having a Hard Time
When kids act out, shut down, argue, cry, or simply push back, young dads may take it personally or see it as disrespect. But often, that’s not what’s intended on the child’s part. The reality is that the child likely needs some help themselves.
“I wish someone had told me to look underneath the behavior first,” Papadas said. “Are they scared? Embarrassed? Overwhelmed? Feeling unseen? Discipline is still important, but connection has to come before correction.” When a father stays curious instead of just getting loud, it teaches a child that emotions can be handled, not hidden.
The Power of the 7-Second Pause
There’s no denying parenting can have its frustrating moments. And it can be tempting to lose your cool as a dad now and then. But 60-year-old Tom Dahlborg, president and CEO of Dahlborg HealthCARING Leadership Group, and father of three children, advises younger dads to remember to pause and breathe.
“For those who may not be familiar, the ‘7-second pause’ is a mindfulness technique of breathing deeply for seven seconds, allowing our prefrontal cortex to engage, which promotes thoughtful decision-making over impulsive or emotional reactions,” Dahlborg said.
“And as a dad, I learned that the 7-second pause is a game changer when parenting one’s children — allowing time for self-regulation — which through child mirroring also calms their energy,” he added. Adopting this approach can help dads successfully navigate the highs and lows of parenting. And it may even prove beneficial in other areas of life, he said.
Say the Good Stuff Out Loud, While They’re Still Young Enough to Build Their Identity Around It
“A lot of dads love their kids deeply, but assume their kids already know it. They don’t,” Papadas said. Kids need to hear specifics. That could include many different types of observations and statements, such as: “I love how kind you are.” “I noticed how hard you tried.” “You’re braver than you think.” “I’m proud of who you are, not just what you do.”
“Those words become anchors,” Papadas said. “I wish I had known sooner that a father’s voice becomes part of a child’s inner voice. That is a tremendous responsibility, and a tremendous gift.”
Your Child’s Confidence Depends Greatly on Your Approval
As he’s gotten older and watched some of his children become adults, Richard Robbins, a 50-something father of nine and co-founder of Robbins Athletics, said he’s witnessed how important it is for kids to have their father’s approval. “Having learned that, I’ve paid more attention to my younger kids’ achievements and made efforts to help them know that I recognize the efforts they make and the potential they possess,” Robbins told HuffPost.
One of the primary jobs of a father is to help build a child’s confidence, added Robbins, who now looks for any chance he can find to let his younger kids know that he’s proud of what they’ve done and who they’re becoming, and that he looks forward to what the future holds for them.
Stop Trying to Raise an Impressive Kid, Raise a Capable One
When his kids were young, 46-year-old Michael Jacobs, podcast host and author of a newsletter for working dads called Gap to Gig, found himself getting caught up in the milestones: good grades, sports, activities and accomplishments. “But most kids aren’t going to become professional athletes or cure cancer, and that’s OK,” Jacobs said. “What matters is whether they become capable adults who can solve problems, handle adversity, build relationships, help others, and create meaningful lives of their own.”
Looking back, Jacobs said he wishes he had spent less time worrying about whether his kids were exceptional and more time helping them become resilient.
Your Kids Are Paying More Attention Than You Think
As a father, it’s only natural to want to spend time trying to teach your kids about things you deem important. But learned from his own journey as a father that kids are often absorbing different lessons than the ones you think you’re teaching them. “They’re watching how we treat people, how we respond when things don’t go our way, how we handle stress, and whether our actions match our words,” Jacobs said. “I’ve coached youth hockey for many years, and one thing I’ve seen over and over is that kids notice everything. Long after they forget what you told them, they’ll remember how you showed up.”
Be the Calmest Person in the Room
When it comes to emotions and how they react to things, children often adopt their nervous system responses from their parents, suggests Rachid “Rush” Wehbi, father of three and founder of Sell the Trend. The behaviors and responses your child witnesses you exhibit may have more impact than the advice you give your child.
“When a child is upset, you might feel like you have to match that upset energy, but a father’s calm is the safest place in the house,” Wehbi said. “Understand that you do not have to solve a problem right then and there. By lowering your voice, and slowing the moment down, and showing them that their feelings are not the end of the world, is a great lesson in emotional control.”
Take Care of Yourself, Too
As a father, or a parent in general, taking care of your own mental health is important. Doing so helps you to show up as the best parent you can be. “Get your mental health right. Not for them. For you. And then for them,” Barry Cooper, founder and executive director of the B.R.O. Experience Foundation, and the father of three, told HuffPost.
“Fatherhood will surface everything you have not dealt with. Your own upbringing. Your own wounds,” Cooper said. “The father you had or didn’t have. The version of yourself you buried because that felt safer. You cannot give your child emotional health from an emotionally depleted place.”
Jacobs offers similar advice to young fathers, pointing out the importance of taking care of yourself in addition to taking care of your children. “When my kids were younger, it was easy to put everything else first,” said Jacobs. “Work deadlines, family responsibilities, sports schedules, school events, medical appointments, there was always something more important than my own health, friendships, interests, or goals.”
Looking back, Jacobs wishes he had understood more clearly that taking care of himself, along with everyone and everything else, would not have been selfish. “It’s part of taking care of my family. When you’re exhausted, burned out, or running on empty, you have less to give the people who need you most,” said Jacobs.
Enjoy Your Children
Fathers often do many things out of love for their child. Making sure your child’s homework is done and ensuring that they are safe, for instance. But how often do you do things to show that you enjoy your child? “Not every child knows that their parents enjoy them,” explained Wehbi. “Enjoyment is laughing at their goofy stories and being interested in their hobbies. Showing a child that they are the reason why your day is better, by letting them know that they’re important and that you enjoy them, is an awesome feeling.”
The Small Moments Are the Ones They’ll Remember
It’s not the big trips, or the expensive presents. And it’s not the championship game, either. It’s the small stuff that children will ultimately remember about you as their father, says Cooper. Be sure to invest your time and energy in those moments as well.
“You wash their hair. You sit on the edge of the bed and ask about their day and actually listen,” said Cooper. “You come to the school to play even when it is inconvenient. You say, ‘I love you’ first, without waiting for them to say it to you. Those are the moments that build the foundation. Build it from the small stuff and it will hold anything.”
