The Echo of 'Because I Said So': Understanding Authoritarian Parenting's Legacy
Once a ubiquitous phrase in households across generations, "Because I said so!" encapsulates a parenting approach that has left a profound mark. While contemporary parents may rarely employ this exact expression, its underlying philosophy—authoritarian parenting—was a cornerstone of child-rearing for many Boomer and older generations.
Defining the Authoritarian Approach
Authoritarian parenting is characterized by a rigid, rule-heavy framework with minimal emotional warmth. Emily Pelky, a licensed marriage and family therapist at The Process Wellness Collective in California, succinctly describes it as "high structure, low warmth." This style prioritizes obedience and control over nurturing relationships, according to KaiLi McGrath, a licensed master social worker with Thriveworks in Royal Oak, Michigan.
McGrath explains that this often involves unexplained expectations and punitive responses when those expectations are not met, whether explicitly stated or not. "It's the very stereotypical 'Because I said so,'" she notes. "A child is asking questions or pushes back on something, and [the parent says], 'No, I'm the parent. I said this.'"
The Psychological Toll on Children
This parenting method leaves little room for children to explore their world or understand the reasoning behind rules. McGrath emphasizes that conversations and explanations are scarce, even when a parent might be at fault. Children are viewed not as active participants in the parent-child relationship but as individuals to be controlled.
The consequences are significant. Children raised under authoritarian regimes often grapple with low self-esteem and anxiety. Pelky observes that while such parenting might yield superficially compliant children—like A-plus students—beneath the surface, they frequently battle perfectionism, feelings of inadequacy, and anxiety. Their worth becomes inextricably linked to performance and meeting external expectations.
"What that does is it leads to children internalizing this belief that their worth is contingent on their performance or contingent upon their obedience, rather than their own intrinsic value," Pelky states. This can foster a deep-seated fear of making mistakes and erode trust in their own judgment, as they are conditioned to seek answers from authority figures rather than their internal emotional world.
A Generational Shift in Parenting Paradigms
Today, authoritarian parenting stands in stark contrast to the "gentle parenting" and authoritative approaches many modern caregivers embrace. Pelky notes that she encounters this style less frequently in current parenting practices but hears extensive accounts from adult clients reflecting on their upbringings.
There is a growing recognition among Millennial and Gen X parents that being raised by authoritarian figures was an unpleasant experience, driving a desire to break the cycle. Pelky suggests that Boomer parents often replicated the patterns they experienced, lacking access to the wealth of information available today on child psychology and developmental impacts.
McGrath attributes the prevalence of authoritarian parenting in past generations to a "lack of frustration tolerance" and limited discussions about emotions and therapy. "Now, our generation of parents, we're going to therapy. We are talking about feelings. We're acknowledging that kids are kids and aren't supposed to act like adults at 5, 6, 7-plus years old," she remarks.
Breaking the Cycle and Embracing Change
For those raised by authoritarian parents, acknowledging the resulting emotional challenges—such as anxiety or decision-making difficulties—is a crucial first step. Pelky encourages individuals to seek support through therapy, books like "The Origins of You" by Vienna Pharaon, articles, or support groups to develop emotional regulation skills and reparent themselves with warmth.
Parents aiming to avoid repeating these patterns can turn to authoritative parenting, which McGrath describes as balancing structure with warmth. This approach maintains rules but encourages dialogue when rules are broken, allowing children to question authority and fostering self-esteem by validating their internal experiences.
Pelky reassures that the mere awareness and desire to parent differently signify progress. "You've already taken such an important first step by learning more about this, whether it's showing up to therapy sessions or reading this article or reading a book or listening to podcasts, all the things, you're already starting to change the pattern," she affirms.
While authoritarian parenting may have been a default for previous generations, understanding its impacts empowers current and future parents to cultivate healthier, more empathetic relationships with their children, ultimately fostering resilience and self-worth.
