Therapy Insights: Common Struggles and Strengths of Only Children
If you grew up as an only child, you have probably encountered stereotypical comments at some point in your life. Phrases like "That's sad you grew up all alone," "Your parents must've spoiled you," or "Do you have a hard time making friends?" are all too familiar. However, recent research indicates that many of these portrayals are inaccurate. Moreover, while the single-child family structure was once rare, it is now the fastest-growing family unit in the United States. According to the Pew Research Center, approximately 20% of households with children have just one child.
Despite the increasing prevalence of growing up without siblings, a persistent stigma surrounds only children. We consulted therapists to uncover the most common issues they hear only children discuss in therapy. Altheresa Clark, a licensed therapist and owner of Inspire4Purpose, told HuffPost, "Therapy can be a healthy space ... to learn about themselves and how they interact with the world around them" as only children. Below, we explore what only children often talk about in therapy, along with helpful tips for addressing each challenge.
They May Yearn for a 'Sibling-Like' Connection as an Adult
In therapy, adult only children frequently express feelings of loneliness stemming from their smaller family size and lack of sibling relationships. Rebecca Greene, a mental health therapist and author of "One & Done: The Guide to Raising a Happy & Thriving Only Child," explained, "They have fewer family members to rely on for support than someone who has multiple siblings. Holidays can be especially lonely for some only children because they often don't have the big family gatherings that you see in movies and on TV."
To fill this void, many only children seek out close friendships that feel like family, as Clark noted. "There's a saying [that] if you don't have family, then make your own family — and I believe this wholeheartedly," she said. "In building your community, find friends, organizations and community work where you can find like-minded individuals who can provide support to you that feels like family." Greene added that inviting close friends to celebrate holidays and milestones can be beneficial, and they can also help their own children form friendships akin to first cousins.
They May Feel Solely Responsible for Their Parents' Elder Care
Many adult only children experience overwhelm and stress as the sole person handling elder care responsibilities for their aging parents. Greene pointed out that if they live nearby, this can include tasks like taking parents to medical appointments, assisting with meal preparation, and managing finances. The situation becomes particularly challenging when an only child lives far away.
Greene recommends seeking help from geriatric care managers, social workers, and companions for the elderly when possible. She also emphasizes the importance of proactive planning. "Only children can talk with their parents as well as their own spouse or partner to discuss plans for their parents' elder care ahead of time so that everyone is on the same page," she advised.
They May Put Pressure on Themselves to Be Perfect
While receiving ample attention from parents can foster closer relationships, it may also lead only children to feel constantly observed. Clark noted, "Only children can experience extreme pressure from their parents to excel in different areas of their lives that can lead to perfectionism or a type-A personality. [This] can lead to living their lives in fear of disappointing people." Simply understanding this association and having a safe space, such as therapy, to process these experiences can help only children be less self-critical.
They May Be Very Independent in Relationships
Growing up as an only child often cultivates a strong sense of independence, which can be both a strength and a weakness, according to Priya Tahim, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Kaur Counseling. On the positive side, only children tend to be self-reliant, skilled at entertaining themselves, and content in their own company. Greene added, "They are often take-charge kind of people who make great leaders and get things done in an innovative way. However, others may sometimes view them as bossy or wanting to do things their way."
To mitigate this, focusing on collaboration skills, such as clear communication, is key. Greene suggested using "I" statements to phrase feelings or needs, putting emphasis on personal emotions. Tahim also recommends asking questions and listening to others' perspectives to understand their viewpoints better.
They May Feel Misunderstood or Judged for Being an Only Child
This is a frequent issue raised by only children, especially in support groups, Greene said. "There is definitely still a stigma around being an only child because families with two to three children are still more of the norm in this country. Having siblings is more of the typical family experience for most people," she explained. Stereotypes are further perpetuated by negative portrayals in movies and TV shows, where only children are often depicted as spoiled, selfish, or lacking social skills.
Greene advocates for more positive portrayals that highlight the strengths and benefits of being an only child and urges people not to judge based solely on sibling status. For support, she recommends joining Facebook support groups for only children, which offer thousands of members, resources, and insights. Parents of only children can also find similar groups.
Therapy remains an effective avenue for exploring how childhood experiences shape identity, regardless of birth order. Tahim concluded, "Whether you are an only child, [oldest child], middle child or [youngest] child, there are pros and cons to each. It's how we choose to grow, learn and adapt ... that truly matters." The original version of this story was published on HuffPost at an earlier date.
