The Hidden Psychological Challenges of Growing Up in Large Families
While being an only child presents its own set of adult challenges, growing up in a big family is not always the idyllic experience it's often portrayed to be. Whether you had numerous siblings, step-siblings, cousins, or grandparents living together, navigating multiple relationships inevitably creates complexity. With numerous personalities that can clash or overshadow one another, or a strong family culture that suppresses individuality, these environments shape adult psychological patterns in distinctive ways.
Why Therapy Often Addresses Specific Large-Family Issues
Although most people can benefit from therapeutic support, adults from large families frequently present with particular concerns that therapists encounter repeatedly. We consulted two psychology experts to explore these patterns, their manifestations, and pathways toward resolution.
"In larger families, you're dealing with multiple relationships, shifting alliances, and sometimes strained connections between different members," explains Saba Harouni Lurie, marriage and family therapist and founder of Take Root Therapy. "As adults, this complexity can make family gatherings feel overwhelming or create guilt about being closer to some siblings than others."
When these adults engage in self-reflection, they often face significant decisions about family relationships, including whether to maintain or sever ties with certain members. "Part of the work in therapy is learning to accept that you don't need equal closeness with everyone," Harouni Lurie notes. "We also look at setting boundaries around which events feel manageable and sometimes having direct conversations with family members about what actually works for you."
Navigating Family Hierarchies and Power Dynamics
Closely related to general family dynamics is the issue of internal "hierarchies," where certain members wield more influence while others remain marginalized. "For those at the 'top' of the hierarchy, this power may be difficult to see, or they may view themselves as a well-meaning or deserved leader," says Candice O'Neil, a counseling psychologist in the U.K. and founder of Ontic Psychology. "For those nearer the bottom, it may be experienced as feeling dismissed or diminished; it may lead to their achievements or opinions being seen as less valid."
O'Neil recommends expanding horizons beyond the family unit through friendships, peer groups, and professional connections. "This may be uncomfortable for family members near the top of the hierarchy, who may be used to their voice carrying a lot of weight, while for those nearer the bottom it can lead to increased recognition," she explains. "In both situations, expanding interactions outside the family can help them either listen to less favored family members more, or help them convey opinions to those further up the hierarchy."
The Attention Deficit and Its Adult Consequences
With parental attention divided among many children, adult offspring often grapple with unmet childhood needs for recognition. "When there are many kids competing for limited parental attention, children may develop strategies to stand out," Harouni Lurie observes. "Sometimes it's through achievement and perfectionism, other times through acting out or risky behaviors. What brings people to therapy isn't always this core issue, but as we work together, they often realize they're still operating from that childhood place of trying to be noticed."
Over time, these coping mechanisms can result in burnout, diminished self-esteem, and relationship difficulties. "The healing process looks different for everyone, but it usually starts with recognizing these patterns and understanding where they came from," Harouni Lurie continues. "Then we work on separating your worth from the need to stand out or perform."
Boundary Challenges in Crowded Family Systems
Large families often feature porous boundaries where everyone knows everyone else's business. "Everyone's in everyone else's business, which creates a strong safety net but can make it really hard to develop your own identity or make choices that differ from family expectations," Harouni Lurie explains. "There's often this deep sense of duty and obligation that makes it difficult to prioritize your own needs. Adults from these families may struggle with guilt when making independent decisions or feel suffocated by family expectations."
Therapeutic work in these cases involves practicing gentle boundary-setting that honors individual identity without excessive guilt.
The Paradox of Loneliness in Crowded Families
Ironically, large families don't guarantee connection, and some members grow up feeling isolated within the crowd. "You'd think a big family means automatic connection, but some people grow up feeling isolated within the crowd," Harouni Lurie notes. Therapeutic approaches here involve identifying healthy personal boundaries and sometimes requesting more connection from family members. "Sometimes people also need space to grieve the family dynamic they wished they had while building the one that's actually sustainable," she adds.
Identity Formation Amid Collective Family Culture
In families with strong collective identities, individuals often struggle to distinguish themselves, fearing loss of connection. "It is important for an individual to be clear on what family means to them and to consider how much they want to integrate within the family dynamic," O'Neil advises. "They may consider if differences can be acknowledged and embraced in a way that feels manageable. Can the family learn to be more accepting of individual differences in the wider social realm due to their own experiences?"
Focusing on personal interests and relationships outside the family helps strengthen individual identity. "Progress within a big family may also mean being curious about who each family member is as an individual and what makes them unique," O'Neil continues. "It can help to facilitate discussions where this can be explored, but someone can also share who they are and put boundaries in place and acknowledge their limitations. Constructive communication is key."
Addressing Generational Trauma in Large Family Systems
When previous generations avoid therapeutic work due to stigma, trauma compounds across generations. "Generational trauma is felt deeply by the individual and can manifest in serious emotional and physical consequences that can persist into later life," O'Neil explains.
When multiple affected family members interact, they can easily trigger one another, deepening wounds. "It is important to have compassion, empathy and understanding for each other as individuals, but it is key to gently initiate conversations where boundaries are initiated for future interactions that respect lived experiences and selfhood," O'Neil recommends. "I advocate for individuals to seek professional therapy and practice self-compassion around those painful lived experiences. Journaling is also a great way to express feelings without being inhibited by how something lands with another person involved."
