Rebecca Eckler responds to readers' questions in her column 'The Right Thing to Do,' offering smart, honest advice on life, family, and relationships. Got a question for Rebecca? Submit it anonymously via the form or email NPadvice@postmedia.com.
Dear Rebecca
I am an only child, now married with a toddler. I was raised in a very strict household, largely due to my stay-at-home mother's controlling, narcissistic, and emotionally immature tendencies—qualities I didn't fully understand until I moved out.
Since becoming a parent, I've recognized how unhealthy parts of my childhood were. Even now, my mother oversteps boundaries, insists on interfering with our parenting decisions, sends incessant messages asking where I am, if I'm home yet, if my son has been fed, and so on. It feels like she can't treat me as an adult and may still struggle with empty-nest syndrome, despite my leaving home nearly a decade ago.
I work a high-stress, demanding job, and my husband and I are deep in the toddler years. The last thing I need is another person to manage. I wish she could be part of our lives without the constant hovering. She can't respect boundaries or acknowledge our requests, so we've had to repeatedly take breaks from communication for weeks or months at a time for my mental health. I can't trust her to care for our son, so I mourn not only the loss of a relationship with my mother but also the loss of support in raising a small child.
My husband has tried advocating for me and repairing the relationship, but she lashes out, accuses me of complaining, and paints herself as a victim. She refuses counseling. Is there any hope?
Dear Only Daughter
You ask if there is hope for you and your mother. Well, yes and no. You're certainly not going to get the hope you're hoping for. I'm not anti-hope when it comes to fixing fraught mother-daughter relationships, but I am anti-delusional. Could your mother start respecting boundaries? Sure, in the same way I could wake up with abs like Jennifer Lopez while doing nothing. Both are delusional.
At a certain age, after decades of behaving a certain way, it's highly unlikely she'll magically become emotionally evolved and self-aware. If anything, she'll double down. Your exhaustion is palpable—not just new-mother-stressful-career exhaustion, but the kind from being emotionally on call since you were a toddler. Of course, you need breaks.
The right thing to do is to start responding with, 'He ate.' That's it. That's your response. So is silence. You don't need to explain, justify, or engage. Protect your energy and your family's peace.
