Families can put a strain on romantic relationships, often in ways that go unnoticed because one's own family feels normal. Rene Mondy, a therapist and post-marriage expert, told HuffPost: "Growing up in a co-dependent family system often shows up for many of my clients as people-pleasing or controlling." Matchmakers and couples counselors weigh in on common family faux pas that can cause issues for couples.
Unsolicited Advice and Loyalty Conflicts
"The most hurtful patterns I have seen in my work with couples are the subtle ones, such as unwelcome or unsolicited advice," Mondy said. This includes saying, "You should really be doing it this way," or assuming a parent's needs come before a partner's, creating a quiet loyalty conflict. Mondy described a couple where the husband's mother dismissed the wife's suggestions during a trip to Savannah. In therapy, the husband learned to redirect with phrases like "Let's start with what she had in mind" or "We'll talk it over and get back to you," signaling his partner's voice came first.
Bonnie Winston, a dating expert and matchmaker, emphasized establishing a separate life from intervening family, whether through independent vacations or firm holiday plans. "You can say, 'I value your opinion, but I must side with the person that I chose to share my adult life with,'" Winston said. "Our relationship must remain strong, and this is threatening to come between us."
Harmful Communication Habits
Family can shape how a person communicates, leading to shutting down during conflict, struggling with affection, or not expressing needs directly. "Typically, these issues stem from habits that are learned early, so it takes awareness and commitment to overcome them," Mondy said. One destructive habit is contempt: "It looks like criticism, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or speaking to a partner in a way that feels disrespectful or superior," Gabby Jimmerson, a couples and sex therapist, told HuffPost. "Because contempt is one of the most dangerous patterns in a relationship, it has to be addressed directly." The antidote is deliberately building a culture of appreciation and respect so that goodwill remains even during conflict.
For couples in those patterns, Mondy suggests acknowledging the situation with phrases like "I notice I'm starting to shut down" or "this feels bigger than the situation." "That kind of awareness creates space for compassion," she said. "And often, compassion is what repairs the disconnection."
Helicopter Parenting Adult Children
Parents who were once helicopter parents may now drop by unannounced, weigh in on decisions, and expect constant access. "One of the most damaging things a parent can do is not allow their adult child to grow and build a life of their own," Jimmerson explained. "This can look like inserting unsolicited opinions, expecting constant access, or struggling to respect the relationship as its own unit."
Undermining the Non-Related Partner
When a parent or in-law dismisses, criticizes, or refuses to accept a partner, it puts the child in an impossible position. "For the partner who feels caught in the middle, it's important to recognize that staying in the middle is still a choice," Jimmerson said. "Being in a relationship means committing to stand up for your partner. Your partner should never feel like they're standing alone." That solidarity can be painful, but staying united is essential.
Setting Boundaries and Following Through
All experts agree that establishing boundaries is essential, but couples should brace for resistance. "When a family system is used to functioning a certain way, and someone starts showing up differently or opting out of old roles, it disrupts the dynamic," Jimmerson said. "That disruption can lead to pushback, confusion, hurt feelings, or attempts to pull things back to how they were." It matters who delivers boundaries: if the newer partner draws the line, they risk being cast as the outsider. The message lands better from within the family. Once set, following through is non-negotiable. "If there's no follow-through when a boundary is crossed," Jimmerson said, "it's not actually a boundary, it's a suggestion."
