Dear Abby: I have been married to my wife for many years, and we have raised wonderful children. We share close friends, a beautiful home, and good health. She is my best friend and the love of my life. However, my wife is a narcissist from a long line of narcissists. Her belittling and dismissive behavior toward me is unintentional but hurtful. I have told her it is demeaning and tried to get her to change, but she promises to be more aware without taking my concerns to heart. The frequency of these incidents has taken a toll. I try not to react but often fail, and I feel terrible after making her feel bad. At our age, change seems unlikely, but I remain optimistic. Should I just grin and bear it?
Abby's Response
Dear Same Old: I wish you had written years ago. Your marriage has the trappings of happiness, but constant sniping undermines that. You cannot change another adult's behavior. Your wife will only change if forced. Set a boundary: tell her you will no longer accept this and that you plan to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist. Invite her to join if she wants to change; if not, go alone. Therapy can be enlightening.
Another Reader's Concern
Dear Abby: I have been happily married for decades, but I am frustrated that my wife falls asleep instantly despite stress, while I lie awake. How can she be distressed and sleep so easily?
Dear Sleepless: Your wife is lucky to disconnect from stress. For your insomnia, discuss it with your doctor. Avoid electronics before bed, skip heavy meals, and research sleep techniques. If needed, a sleep specialist can help you learn to relax.
