A reader known as Weary in Washington writes to Dear Abby about a painful family situation. For years, she and her only daughter had a good relationship. Then, without warning, the daughter stopped visiting or speaking to her, cutting off contact with grandchildren and son-in-law as well. This silence lasted six to eight years.
Recently, the daughter reached out via Facebook but refuses to explain why she disappeared. The mother feels deeply resentful and says conversations now feel like talking to a stranger. She pretends to be fine to avoid losing contact again.
Facing the End of Life Without Closure
As the mother approaches the end of her life, she does not want her daughter to know or come to her deathbed. The only thing she would want to ask is why, and she believes her daughter will never tell her. The estrangement also ruined her relationship with her three granddaughters, so she prefers not to see her daughter at all.
She feels that if her daughter wanted nothing to do with her for years, she should not bother with empty gestures now. When the time comes, she only wants to be surrounded by people who truly loved her. Her son and best friend do not understand this, and she asks Abby how to make them see that she just wants peace.
Abby's Advice: Honesty and Boundaries
Abby advises telling them the truth: that she maintains contact with her daughter only because she loves her granddaughters and does not want further estrangement. Then she should explain that when her time comes, she wants only those who showed her love at her side—which does not include the daughter who shut her out for years without explanation. She should refuse to discuss it further. Abby notes that, given the history, the daughter is unlikely to show up.
A Second Letter: The Challenges of Senior Pet Ownership
Another reader, Tied to Skip, offers advice to people over 50: think carefully before getting a dog. She and her husband are in their 70s, caring for a 13-year-old dog. When they got the puppy, they assumed one of their three children could take the dog if needed, but that is not possible. Now they must take Skip out in all weather, four times a day, risking falls. Traveling in retirement has become very difficult.
Abby thanks the reader for her dedication and agrees that people of all ages should consider the long-term responsibilities of pet ownership, including care during travel or when physical abilities decline. Skipping this step is unfair to the animal.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren (Jeanne Phillips) and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
