A reader known as "So Done in New York" writes to Dear Abby about a draining friendship. The reader has known this friend for ten years, bonding over common interests. Over time, the friend has struggled with anxiety, depression, OCD, and narcissism, but now the dynamic has become one-sided. The reader spends hours on the phone listening to the friend's problems, offering support and suggestions. However, the friend never asks about the reader's life, cannot hold a job, and has a drinking problem. The reader feels mentally and emotionally burnt out, yet fears abandoning the friend.
Abby's Response
Abby advises the reader to understand that the friend will continue to use them as a substitute for therapy as long as it is allowed. She recommends rationing time spent on the phone and in person. If the friend asks if they are scaring the reader, Abby suggests being honest: say that the energy is being sapped and that hours-long phone calls can no longer continue. By setting boundaries, both parties will benefit.
Another Reader's Dilemma
Another reader, "Offended in Kansas," describes attending an out-of-town wedding that cost hundreds of dollars. The events spanned from Friday to Sunday. On Saturday, the bride's family hosted a dinner but informed several guests that they were on their own for that evening. The reader asks if this was appropriate and whether to speak to the groom's family.
Abby explains that the rehearsal dinner is traditionally hosted by the groom's family, but this Saturday dinner was hosted by the bride's family. Being told at the last minute to fend for themselves was jarring and frustrating. However, Abby sees no benefit in pointing this out to the groom's family now, as it might only embarrass them.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
