In their song Bad at Love, Halsey sings, 'Look, I don't mean to frustrate, but I always make the same mistakes. I'm bad at love.' When the song dropped in 2017, it became an anthem for many, including author Simone Paget, who recalls her own famously disastrous romantic luck. But was she truly bad at love, or was identifying as such simply keeping her stuck?
Overcoming Unhelpful Dating Patterns
In her new book, Unsingle: How to Date Smarter and Create Love that Lasts, Amy Chan argues that singles are not 'unlucky in love' but are stuck in unhelpful dating patterns. The most common pattern she observes is people who claim to want a relationship but reject candidates most likely to provide it. She calls this 'over ick-ing.'
'They are putting a lot of weight on shiny qualities like height, looks, status, or shared hobbies – all things that research shows do not predict relationship happiness or stability,' explains Chan. True long-term success comes from what she calls 'quiet qualities': shared core values, the ability to handle conflict, and how your partner makes you feel, such as appreciated or at ease.
Love Alone Isn't Enough
Chan knows what makes and breaks a relationship. After working with hundreds of people at her Renew Breakup Bootcamp, she understands that love alone is not enough. 'Someone can love you, but that does not mean they have the capacity and ability to be in a relationship with you,' she says. By focusing on superficial looks-good-on-paper factors like appearance and bank account balance, daters sabotage themselves. 'Being great at dating and building a relationship are two separate skill sets. The former is about personality. The latter is about character.'
How to Change Your Approach
Chan suggests starting by upleveling your relational skills, including practicing reading nonverbal cues, making eye contact, and staying curious and present during conversations – skills she calls 'greenlighting.' 'So many singles show up to dates numb, flat, waiting to be impressed, expecting the other person to light them up. But that's not how connection works. You have to bring energy to create energy,' says Chan.
Greenlighting is a skill built over time. For one week, Chan encourages people to make eye contact with everyone they interact with – from the barista to the neighbour in the elevator. 'Greenlighting works best when it's your default setting, not something you scramble to perform in high-stakes moments. When warmth becomes how you naturally move through the world, everything shifts.'
Sharpen Pattern Recognition
Daters who think they're unlucky in love keep choosing the same person with a different face, often due to what psychologists call 'attractions of deprivation' or repetition compulsion: the tendency to be drawn to partners who trigger the same wounds from childhood. 'For example, if love was inconsistent growing up, your nervous system can associate that unavailability and anxiety with chemistry. Stable, consistent people feel boring,' adds Chan.
To rewrite these patterns, Chan encourages people to map out their past relationships and look for a throughline. 'What did these people have in common? How did they make you feel? Did the relationship always start hot and then fade into anxiety and confusion?' Then, take one step outside your usual type. 'The point isn't to lower your standards. The point is to collect new data,' says Chan. 'One different choice, one new data point, and you start to build evidence that a different kind of love is possible. That's how the cycle breaks, not all at once, but one decision at a time.'
