Among childless 18-34-year-olds who want children, there are about 5 million more men than women in the United States, according to data cited by researchers. This growing gender gap in parenting aspirations is driven by young women's reluctance to take on the disproportionate burden of domestic and caregiving labor, even as men continue to expect traditional roles.
A friend of the authors, a breadwinner and homeowner, recently ended her relationship after realizing her boyfriend's desire for children would leave her responsible for most of the parenting and financial support. Her story reflects a broader trend: Gen Z women are increasingly unwilling to become mothers under current social conditions.
The Motherhood Penalty Persists
In nearly every country, women's employment fails to return to pre-birth levels within a decade of having children, while men receive an employment boost in their first year of fatherhood, according to research. The physical risks of pregnancy, especially for Black women, and the mental load that falls disproportionately on mothers add to the hesitation.
“The opportunity cost of mothering has increased,” the authors write. The cost of child care has outpaced inflation, and the value of what women give up—career earnings, bodily autonomy—has risen. With the erosion of the traditional village model of care, families now buy back support through apps and care homes.
Watching Mothers ‘Have It All’ Didn’t Inspire
Gen Z women observed their mothers juggle careers and domestic duties, often performing a “second shift” that constrained their professional freedom. In heterosexual marriages where the female partner is the breadwinner, she still does more domestic and caregiving work than her male counterpart, often at the expense of leisure time.
“Even when the female partner is the only earner, she still spends more time on housework than her male partner,” the authors note. This imbalance extends to cognitive labor—the mental load of managing household tasks—which economists say is unremunerated work that diminishes focus at work and ability to relax.
Gender Essentialism and Weaponized Incompetence
Gender essentialism—the assumption that women naturally care more about domestic tasks—has long masked men's weaponized incompetence. According to a survey, 42% of mothers look online for parenting advice monthly, compared to 22% of fathers. More than half of dads have never visited such sites.
Among Gen Z men, 31% believe women should “always obey their husbands,” according to a survey cited by the authors. This regressive attitude, combined with a lack of awareness of household inequality, perpetuates the cycle. Boys are not socialized to notice domestic labor the way girls are, leading to a mismatch in perceptions of fairness.
Women’s Economic Strength Shifts Negotiating Power
Women in the U.S. now outpace men in college completion rates by over 10 percentage points, putting them in a stronger financial position. This gives them more room to negotiate partnership terms. However, only 32% of women believe marriage and children lead to a fuller, happier life, compared to 49% of men, according to one survey.
“There’s a sense that women are draining themselves to provide for men,” the authors write. Many Gen Z women have already experienced “mothering” their ex-boyfriends—managing their social lives, organization, and family check-ins—which leaves them hesitant to commit to actual parenthood.
Bridging the Aspiration Gap
To close the gap between men’s desire for fatherhood and women’s willingness to become mothers, two changes are needed: closing the gap between aspiration and preparation for parenthood, and creating a version of fatherhood that absorbs more of the demands of motherhood.
“A lot of their thinking around this is just ideas, not necessarily grounded with real-life examples,” said Elliott Rae, founder of Parenting Out Loud. “The ideas come from what young men have been told—mainly online—about what their role in family life looks like.”
Rae emphasized that the solution involves raising all children with an equal understanding of running a household, not just encouraging sons to “chip in.” Paternity leave is also critical: the United States lacks federal paid parental leave, making it the only OECD member without such a policy.
Countries like Rwanda, which is on track to become the first with national fatherhood training, and Senegal, with Schools for Husbands, offer models. Ultimately, if fatherhood included the worry labor and care work—not just the fun parts—more women might say yes to parenthood.
“We’d love to be dads. Who wouldn’t?” the authors conclude. “We’re just not willing to be mothers and fathers at the same time.”
