An acquaintance of mine observed as we left a particularly sad funeral that death in the 2020s is where sex was in the 1950s. We try to avoid discussing it. If we're forced into a conversation about it, we do so reluctantly, awkwardly, and with embarrassment, often in a language we don't quite understand.
The death of a child is always the most difficult of conversations. There are no words of condolence that will mitigate the raw devastation a parent feels. The trite platitudes we save for funerals are hopelessly inadequate.
A Mother's Journey Through Grief
In her new book, Dispatches From Grief, author Danielle Crittenden etches in bold relief how she was plunged into that world with a brief phone call one winter day in 2024. Her 32-year-old daughter, Miranda, had died unexpectedly of complications with her medications following treatment for a benign brain tumour in 2018.
Along with her husband, journalist and The Atlantic writer David Frum, she entered that world no parent wants to be in. Suddenly, she was confronted with the heartbreaking realities of the loss of a child.
The Immediate Aftermath
When the call came in to their home in Washington, D.C., their first reaction was disbelief. As they hurried to New York, where Miranda lived, the awful realities started to unfold. Numbed by grief, they navigated the banalities of the bureaucracy of death: the police, the coroner's office. A parent should never have to choose a coffin for their child. Never have to pick the dress for her burial.
The step-daughter of Peter Worthington, the late founding editor of The Toronto Sun, Danielle cut her journalistic teeth in the paper's newsroom, doing everything from answering the phone to running copy. Miranda had been particularly close to Peter and Danielle's mom, Yvonne. She moved to Toronto to live with them for two rebellious years of high school.
A 'Good Death' and Lasting Memories
It was in Peter's own graceful farewell to Miranda that the family learned the idea of a 'good death.' As Worthington was dying, he said his farewell to each member of his family individually: 'I couldn't have loved you more than I did,' he told Miranda. Danielle knows somewhere in the great hereafter, Miranda and Peter are chuckling over a private joke.
Those of us who try to console the bereaved never find the right words. Everyone has their own way of grieving. There's no timetable. Those who say you'll get over it in time are wrong. You'll get through it; you won't get over it.
'I understand the language problem. People want to offer comfort without causing offence, but sometimes they cause worse offence than if they had not tried at all,' Danielle says in the book.
Broken Heart Syndrome
At one point, Danielle woke breathless, with the symptoms of a heart attack. Paramedics rushed her to hospital, where she was diagnosed with a medical-grade panic attack. She believes it was broken heart syndrome, in the wake of such a tragic loss.
Loss strikes her in unexpected moments. She recalls the unexpected moments when her loss strikes her. In supermarkets, she learned to speed by the products she would stock up on for Miranda. Ferreting in her basement, she found a box of her belongings she'd set aside.
Confronting Bureaucracy and Strangers
And there were times when, faced with the ruthless questioning from strangers, she simply lets loose. At the time of Miranda's death, Danielle's U.S. passport was being renewed. Returning U.S. citizens are required to enter the country on their U.S. passport. After the funeral in Canada, an immigration officer demanded to know why she was using her Canadian one. What could possibly be so important that she couldn't wait for the new passport?
When she bluntly told him she had buried her daughter, it was as if he had been punched, her husband reported. 'I'm sorry for your loss,' he said, before waving her through.
A Blessing for the Bereaved
Danielle's book is a blessing for those who have lost a child and who may have felt that same keening grief. Now they know they're not alone. Some may appreciate the dark humour that helped her through the enormous loss. Others will simply appreciate the honesty with which she approaches such a difficult and tormented topic.
For those consoling the bereaved, the book provides a thoughtful insight into the fragility of life, the resilience of the human spirit, and the enduring love of a mother for her lost child.
Dispatches from Grief is published by Infinite Books.
