The Deceptive Promise: Understanding 'Future Faking' in Modern Dating
Last year, I experienced a brief but intense romantic connection that convinced me I had discovered "the one." The irony? I never truly believed in the concept of soulmates or destined partners. I wasn't someone who fantasized about wedding ceremonies or obsessed over perfect matches. This situation didn't involve "freak matching" or "grim keeping" dynamics.
Yet this individual consistently discussed our future together: mentioning friends' upcoming weddings, describing how much their family would adore me, and detailing trips we would eventually take. I fell for this vision completely. As you might anticipate, the relationship didn't last. They suddenly panicked, claimed we were progressing too rapidly, and ended our connection.
What Exactly Is 'Future Faking'?
Months later, I recognized what had transpired: a textbook case of "future faking." This term describes when someone utilizes the promise of a shared future to establish immediate emotional intimacy, without any authentic intention of following through. It represents a manipulative pattern that leaves the other person heartbroken, confused, and questioning their own perception of the relationship.
It can be profoundly disorienting when a potential partner transitions from imagining a future together to declaring "we're moving too fast" within mere weeks. "Future faking" proves surprisingly common and, in many respects, even more insidious than gaslighting. Unlike overt falsehoods or obvious manipulation, it exploits hope and desire. Individuals become captivated by the vision of a life together, only to eventually realize those promises were never intended to be fulfilled.
Experts caution that this phenomenon can produce lasting emotional and physiological effects, making it one of the most challenging forms of relational deception to identify and recover from.
How 'Future Faking' Manipulates Emotions
"'Future faking' occurs when someone employs the concept of a shared future to secure immediate emotional intimacy," explains Lydia Mae, a Breakup Coach and Reiki Master. "They frequently discuss holidays, cohabitation, marriage, children, and various 'one day' scenarios—but their present behavior doesn't align with those visions. Essentially, it's a promise of potential lacking genuine intention."
This involves planning ahead for both individuals without substantive commitment behind their words. They might enthusiastically describe how much their mother will adore you—yet you never receive an invitation to meet her. They might rave about the vacation you're "definitely going to take together," but months pass without any tickets being purchased. They're fabricating an entire future with you.
However, Mae provides an important clarification: "It's not always malicious. Sometimes it's driven by emotional immaturity or fear of abandonment."
Robyn Exton, founder of the queer dating app HER, concurs. She adds that "future faking" appears especially prevalent in queer dating contexts. "It's not necessarily malicious; sometimes the hope simply doesn't materialize."
"We tend to project our desires onto new connections because we crave that 'happily ever after' so intensely," Exton continued. "Someone might genuinely believe in the moment that they want to take you to Paris next summer, but as reality emerges, the follow-through diminishes. It's rarely bad intention, more an overflow of aspiration that couldn't survive the relationship's actual circumstances."
Why 'Future Faking' Creates Such Profound Hurt
Whether intentional or not, malicious or misunderstood, "future faking" generates significant emotional pain. Malvika Padin experienced "future faking" in her first-ever relationship.
"Given my own relationship inexperience and my ex-partner's public-facing profession, the promise was always: 'I will tell people about us, as soon as this one important work commitment concludes.' But that one thing consistently transformed into one more thing, and so on," Padin recounted.
"Whether involving parents, friends, or anyone else, for three years, it remained a struggle to actually be acknowledged as part of his life. I had to fight for recognition," Padin continued.
Witnessing no genuine intimacy emerge from your relationship investment understandably cuts deeply—and in worst-case scenarios can make you feel somewhat gaslit after essentially being relentlessly love bombed.
"'Future faking' creates false hope, which can bond people more profoundly than reality ever does," Mae explains. "It can trigger abandonment wounds, self-doubt, and diminished confidence in your intuition. People often blame themselves, believing they've imagined everything, but the truth is that this future vision was actively presented to them."
"The heartbreak affects us both emotionally and physiologically," she continued. "Your nervous system must recalibrate in real time from the abrupt shift between promised reality and delivered reality. This can cause a dopamine dip: the fantasy's high quickly replaced by disappointment's low and endless 'what if' scenarios. People don't merely mourn the person after 'future faking'—they mourn the life that was marketed to them, and the chemical impact those words had on their nervous system."
How to Respond to 'Future Faking' While Dating
So you find yourself in my position from a year ago, or recalling your own "future faking" experience. What should you do about it? How can you identify it, and more importantly, safeguard yourself?
Lydia Mae offers several professional recommendations:
- Check for congruence. Do their actions align with their words? Are their narratives supported by how they actually show up for you presently?
- Tune into your body. "Future faking" often accompanies excitement rushes; that elated-yet-slightly-anxious sensation represents a red flag. Ask yourself whether you're connecting to the person or the fantasy they're promoting. Regulating your nervous system can help you recognize patterns more clearly.
- Ask grounded questions. Calmly inquire: "That sounds wonderful, how do you envision us getting there?" or "That sounds lovely, let's observe how things between us develop." Simple, honest questions can reveal true intentions.
- Avoid overinvesting in "one day" discussions. If promises lack action backing, prevent yourself from becoming emotionally swept away.
- Slow down. "Future fakers" frequently push for accelerated emotional pacing. You don't need to match their intensity; permit yourself to proceed at your own comfortable speed.
- Stay present. When you catch yourself daydreaming about "what could be," gently return to the present and ask: "What do I know is true right now?"
Maintaining awareness, groundedness, and intentionality doesn't just protect your heart—it provides clarity, confidence, and the power to disengage from fantasy before it causes harm.
When Should You Begin Making Future Plans Together?
Despite my "future faking" experiences, I still struggle to avoid excitement about potential futures with someone. I've become considerably more cautious than previously, and sometimes even feel suspicious of people genuinely attempting to make plans with me. So how do we avoid "future faking" while still cultivating optimistic relationships?
"It's acceptable to dream together early on—that's part of falling in love's enjoyment," Exton reassures. "But concrete plans involving finances, travel, or living arrangements should only be established once you feel relationship stability. If plans are being utilized to fast-forward intimacy to an unearned place, take a step back. Ground yourself in how the relationship feels presently before investing too heavily in the future."
