It seems like there is endless advice on how to be a good parent, all with the same goal in mind — raising kind, empathetic children. So, finding out that a child has been bullying someone can be disappointing, at best. At worst, it can be destabilizing — making parents question whether they’ve been following the right guidance after all.
Though parents overwhelmingly feel that bullying is destructive, up to 20% of children will bully someone during their elementary through high school careers, according to a study by the American Journal of Public Health. This harms all the kids involved, too. The same research found that both bullies and victims experience higher rates of mental health issues and are more likely to go on to struggle in school and other parts of their lives — with bullies experiencing delinquency and victims struggling to adjust in social interactions as they get older.
Why Kids Bully and How Parenting Plays a Role
Understanding why kids bully — and how parenting can influence them — is essential to preventing and managing bullying behaviors before they become a bigger issue. Experts recommend being aware of parenting habits that might be unintentionally turning your kid into a bully when you’re not around.
Insecurity as a Root Cause
According to clinical psychologist Amber Thornton, bullying is often a result of insecurity. When kids feel bad inside, they are more likely to make others feel bad, too. “Typically children bully other children in order to feel more powerful or feel more in control. A lot of times, it happens when children feel insecure or doubtful of themselves but it can also stem from children having trouble emotionally expressing themselves,” Thornton said. “If a child is feeling angry or mad or upset, they may take that out on another child to help themselves feel better, not having a better way to express themselves. Bullying can also happen when children themselves have been bullied or belittled, whether it’s by another child, a sibling, or a parent.” And any time a parent leaves a child feeling invisible, invalidated or belittled, Thornton said they are increasing the risk of bullying. “This could be dismissing or invalidating a child’s feelings, harsh punishments, harsh criticism — all these things make kids feel powerless, invisible, like they don’t have value,” Thornton said. “Then they go try to seek this out in other ways, often bullying other people to make them feel better, to feel more powerful, to feel bigger, to feel stronger.”
Parents should be aware of invalidating behaviors couched in humor, too. Those “just kidding” or “it’s a joke” comments can do more harm than you’d think. “This is hard because sometimes parents do these things accidentally because they’re tired or they’re exhausted,” she said. “Even simple things, like parents not having time and space to really take care of themselves or manage their own emotions can accidentally dismiss [or] invalidate a child.” Doing so chronically puts the kid at further risk of having adverse relationships with other kids and potentially becoming a bully, she continued.
Family Dynamics and Modeling
The family dynamics kids witness every day can play a role, too. Anita Powell, a mental health counselor who has worked with children in a range of settings in and out of school, said that children who bully are often playing out a negative dynamic between themselves and a person in a position of power. When parents don’t know how to self-regulate, yell, talk down to — or, worse, abuse and neglect children or other people in the household — kids can become confused about what healthy interactions are actually supposed to look like. “When children experience these behaviors or patterns from a parent or caretaker without a reparative conversation, the child is left to accept these behaviors and view them as normative ways to interact with others,” Powell said. “These kinds of behaviors displayed by individuals who are supposed to model healthy and safe conversations and ways of relating to others, can be confusing.”
“Children should have a clear idea of what healthy self-expression looks like vs. unhealthy self-expression. Children also need to know that they have safe spaces to self-express, any and all feelings, without judgement,” Powell added.
Research confirms that when parents are firm but kind — as opposed to permissive and neglectful or aggressive and authoritarian — children are less likely to pick up bullying behaviors. Powell says that reparative conversations are especially essential for helping kids heal, establishing what family values they share and establishing a culture of respect for everyone.
What to Do If You See Bullying Behaviors
When helping children transition away from bullying behaviors, Thornton said accountability and apologies are important — but they aren’t always the right place to begin. “The first step is really to understand what’s happening from the child’s perspective,” she said. “Have a conversation with them, letting them know how serious it is, but more so from a place of curiosity and concern.” Thornton also said that parents can start by telling children that they are concerned or worried about them, and by sharing how they are looking to better understand the child’s internal world. She encourages parents to ask not only about the situation, but about the feelings and thoughts that lead to these behaviors.
For some children, these open conversations with a parent may be enough to see a change. For others, it will help parents figure out what their child needs going forward. Children in these situations may have a range of needs: from talk therapy and interventions that will identify neurological or developmental concerns to working to build coping and social skills.
“A child who feels safe enough to express their feelings ... a child who has a safe space to talk about their feelings without negative consequence or it being a negative experience, they're less likely to then bully other children,” Thornton said.
Ultimately, Thornton believes the antidote to bullying can be deceptively simple: When children feel heard and can express themselves, they act out less. By focusing on emotional intelligence and development, parents can help make powerless kids feel empowered, deterring bullying behavior. “Often what is at the core emotionally for kids who bully is they feel very invisible. They feel unseen and they feel powerless. Kids feel more powerful when they are validated, heard, seen and valued,” she said.
