For many Canadian parents, the group chat for their child's school, sports team, or activity is a modern necessity. It can be a lifeline for coordinating complex schedules or a source of unexpected drama, as actor Ashley Tisdale, now known as Ashley French, recently discovered. In a personal essay for The Cut titled "Breaking Up With My Toxic Mom Group," French described how her initial hope for a supportive "village" turned into a feeling of being back in high school.
The Six Archetypes You'll Meet in the Parent Chat
French's experience of feeling excluded from group hangs and discovering side conversations is a reality for some, but not all parent chats are toxic. Psychologists and parents themselves note that these digital spaces are a microcosm of real-world social dynamics. Sarah Lebovitz Suria, a licensed psychologist who works with families, explains that group chats are a "neat forum to be able to think about who you want to be," as members join with different social or logistical goals.
Based on shared experiences, here are the six most common parent personalities you are likely to encounter.
1. The Bragger
This parent is constantly sharing their child's accomplishments, seeking positive praise and affirmation from the group. Lebovitz Suria notes that Braggers can cause the most friction, as they may lash out with frustration if they don't receive the enthusiastic feedback they desire.
2. The Historian
Often the most valuable player, the Historian is the experienced parent who holds all the knowledge. They know what to gift teachers, how to interpret school memos, and the unwritten rules. Alex Morgan, co-host of the "Mambition" podcast, calls this archetype "the one with the knowledge and the prior experience when the rest of us are all just following along." A Texas mom named Kandice became this for her daughter's gymnastics chat, noting that while being "always in the loop" is helpful, it can also be exhausting.
3. The Cheerleader
This member keeps the chat alive with constant affirmations, quickly replying with hearts or thumbs-up emojis to almost every message. Lebovitz Suria calls them "the affirmers" for their use of positive reinforcement. However, Morgan advises being judicious, as constant, identical affirmations can blow up everyone's phones and become distracting. "Being economical with how many messages you send is a crucial aspect," she said.
4. The Lurker
They never chime in, but they are always reading. This parent values the logistical information provided by the Historian but has no interest in the social aspects or drama. For them, the chat is purely transactional. They want the information but want to wash their hands of the social dynamics, Morgan explained.
5. The Toxic Excluder
This is the personality Ashley French said she encountered. It involves forming cliques within the larger group, talking about absent members negatively, and organizing exclusive hangouts. French detailed seeing social media photos of gatherings she wasn't invited to, which led her to finally call out the behaviour and leave the chat with a mic-drop message: "This is too high school for me." This type can be emotionally draining long-term.
6. The Panicker
Driven by anxiety around their kids' events, this parent frantically worries about details, often asking questions that have already been answered. Kandice says they are often newer parents to a school or team. To manage repeated questions, she often simply sends a screenshot of her previous answer rather than retyping it.
Strategies for Managing Chat Dynamics
While leaving a toxic group, as French did, is an option, it's not always possible. For many parents, these chats are essential for their child's social calendar and logistical needs. "It's the price I must pay for my child to go to bouncy castle parties every weekend," Morgan quipped.
Experts and seasoned parents recommend key strategies for self-preservation. The golden rule, according to Lebovitz Suria, is to "Check yourself before you wreck yourself." She emphasizes that people can be incredibly impulsive in chats, and thinking before you speak—or type—is a critical skill.
Kandice employs a self-imposed time-out. When a reply spikes her adrenaline, she waits 30 minutes before responding calmly, often using what she calls her "HR voice." Another simple but effective tactic is to mute the notifications when the chat becomes overwhelming. Morgan advises, "Don't get more involved than you need to be."
Ultimately, navigating a parent group chat requires recognizing the different personalities at play, regulating your own emotional responses, and setting clear boundaries for your digital well-being.
