Therapist-Identified Harmful Phrases to Avoid When Disciplining Children
When children scream, throw toys, or refuse to listen, parents often feel frustrated and may instinctively repeat disciplinary approaches they experienced in childhood. However, many traditional methods are now recognized as problematic by mental health professionals, who caution against passing these harmful patterns to the next generation.
"Parents discipline the way they were disciplined, even if we don't realize it," explained Leda Kaveh, a licensed clinical psychologist and director of Washington Psychological Wellness. "Parenting behaviors are strongly influenced by early attachment experiences." Kaveh noted that cultural expectations around obedience, combined with chronic stress and financial pressures, further shape disciplinary responses.
If you recall being disciplined in ways that felt invalidating, you might unconsciously replicate those patterns with your own children unless you've consciously worked through those experiences. Below, therapists detail specific phrases that can cause significant harm during disciplinary moments.
"Why Can't You Be More Like Your Brother?"
Comparisons to siblings, cousins, neighbors, or peers constitute "basically a character attack," according to Nicola Pierre-Smith, a licensed professional counselor and owner of Melanated Women's Health. Such statements make children feel inadequate and insufficient, damaging their self-worth through unfavorable comparison.
"You're Acting Just Like Your Father."
This phrase frequently surfaces in divorced families or unhappy marriages when parents highlight negative attributes. Pierre-Smith explained that "it's typically not said when there is a positive attribute to the identified person." Instead, it serves as a character attack that associates the child with perceived villainous behavior, creating harmful emotional associations.
"You're Such a Disappointment."
Shaming statements like "you're a disappointment" or "you're stupid" can be profoundly damaging, whether intentionally hurtful or not. Pierre-Smith emphasized that such phrases induce shame, which research links to higher risks of anxiety, depression, and lifelong self-worth issues in children.
"You Have Nothing to Cry About."
Dismissing tears or sensitivity teaches children that certain emotions are invalid. Pierre-Smith warned that "rejecting crying may also lead to children being unable to name their emotions." Without emotional vocabulary, children struggle to articulate feelings beyond basic categories of "feeling good" or "feeling bad," hindering emotional development.
The Cumulative Impact of Harmful Language
While occasional slip-ups are normal, repeated use of damaging phrases creates lasting harm. Kaveh explained that "when a child hears language that dismisses feelings or labels their behaviors as a personal flaw, the brain often shifts it into a stress response." Over time, this pattern elevates stress hormones like cortisol, increases anxiety, promotes emotional suppression, lowers self-esteem, and impairs emotional management skills.
"It is a pattern over time that matters," Kaveh stressed. Parents who frequently use these phrases should reflect on their own upbringing and consider therapeutic support to break the cycle.
Adopting Healthier Disciplinary Approaches
The encouraging news is that parenting styles can evolve. Kaveh noted that "increased awareness, education, therapy, moments of repair can significantly improve the parent-child relationships at any stage." Pierre-Smith added that there's "no shame in a parent actually reaching out to a professional or even someone in their school to get support with learning skills."
The Authoritative Parenting Model
Research consistently shows that the most effective discipline combines firmness with emotional support, known as authoritative parenting. This approach correlates with better emotional regulation, academic performance, and mental health outcomes. Kaveh emphasized that "effective discipline focuses on teaching, not punishment," involving:
- Separating the child from the behavior
- Acknowledging emotions while setting clear limits
- Modeling emotional regulation through calm responses
Instead of saying "Stop crying," try: "I see you're really upset. I'm here. We still can't throw toys, but we can figure out what you need." This validates emotions while maintaining boundaries, making children feel understood and receptive to guidance.
"Feeling safe does not make kids less accountable. It actually makes learning possible," Kaveh concluded, highlighting that emotional security enhances rather than undermines disciplinary effectiveness.
