DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of three brothers and two sisters. Growing up, the only person I felt connected to was my sister Sara. We were both treated the same way by our mother—unwanted. And I always sensed Sara carried a deeper sadness.
Our mother’s discipline was cruel: when something happened, she would line us all up and demand the culprit confess, or she would whip everyone. Sara would get upset, and I couldn’t bear it, so I would take the blame. Mom would scream at me for something I didn’t do, beating me until she exhausted herself.
Now as an adult, I realize the real perpetrator likely stayed silent, knowing I would take the fall. The others probably still think I was guilty. Sara’s sadness stemmed from being raped by that same brother, and our mother never believed her.
I am treated like dirt by the rest of the family. They want nothing to do with me. Must I accept this, or can I change it? — FAMILY DISASTER IN INDIANA
DEAR FAMILY DISASTER: You and your siblings grew up in a toxic environment. Your mother’s abuse damaged everyone. While you cannot change your siblings’ opinions, Sara can speak up about the truth. Your childhood sounds like a nightmare.
All of you could benefit from counseling for abuse victims. If you are willing, seek it. I also encourage you to visit RAINN at rainn.org for additional support.
DEAR ABBY: After my mother’s death 10 years ago, my father moved in with me. He is 74, in reasonably good health, but struggles with depression and social anxiety. He refuses medication. Though there are opportunities for social contact, he is critical of most family and friends.
Dad does have positives: he exercises, helps with cooking and my kids. Yet his depression creates such tension that I avoid talking to him to escape negativity. When I do talk, it often leads to arguments or insults. I am exhausted. He cannot live alone, but I don’t know what to do. He has seen doctors but won’t engage. Please advise. — GETTING TIRED IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR GETTING TIRED: Next time he argues or insults you, tell him you have had enough. Explain you can no longer handle the tension his dependency and depression create, and he must get help or find another place to live. Set a date for compliance or moving.
Check if there is a senior centre nearby for assistance. Your local Area Agency on Aging might also offer guidance.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
