A 67-year-old woman from Missouri has written to advice columnist Dear Abby, expressing her hurt and confusion after her daughter explicitly stated she does not want to become a caregiver for her aging parents. The letter, published in February 2026, reveals a growing tension between generations regarding eldercare responsibilities.
The Caregiving Burden
The writer, who identifies herself as "Revising Plans in Missouri," describes how she and her 68-year-old husband have spent the past six years caring for aging parents. Her father-in-law passed away after battling Alzheimer's disease, while her 87-year-old mother-in-law continues to live independently but requires significant support.
"Although we are retired, our lives revolve around her needs," the woman writes, detailing how she and her sister-in-law take turns cooking and delivering meals, while her husband handles maintenance and yard work that the elderly woman can no longer manage herself.
A Difficult Conversation
The situation became more complicated when the woman's only daughter, who has three sets of parents including biological parents, step-parents, and in-laws, made her position clear.
"She said she loves us, but she doesn't want to take care of any of us," the mother writes. "When she retires, she wants to enjoy her retirement, travel and not have to worry about caring for anybody."
The daughter's declaration has forced the parents to reconsider their financial planning, as assets previously intended for inheritance may now need to be redirected toward assisted living expenses.
Abby's Response
Dear Abby, the advice column written by Jeanne Phillips (daughter of original columnist Abigail Van Buren), responded with practical wisdom.
"I don't know whether it has become 'normal,' but it is not unusual," Abby writes about children refusing caregiving roles. "Woe to any parent who assumes their children will take care of them, because it doesn't always turn out that way."
The columnist advises the Missouri woman to be grateful her daughter spoke honestly now, allowing for proper planning. She emphasizes that while the daughter's position may be hurtful, it provides crucial information for the parents' future arrangements.
A Second Dilemma
The same column features another letter about family tensions, this time from a woman whose father-in-law plans to marry on her birthday. The writer, signing as "Torn Between Grace and Grief," expresses concern that her cherished birthday celebrations will be overshadowed by the anniversary of a marriage to a woman the family dislikes.
Abby responds diplomatically, noting that "the date of your birth does not belong solely to you" and advises against requesting a date change for the wedding.
Broader Implications
These letters highlight several contemporary issues:
- The emotional and practical challenges of caring for aging parents
- Changing expectations between generations regarding eldercare
- The financial implications of long-term care planning
- Complex family dynamics in blended families
- The importance of honest communication about future care expectations
As life expectancies increase and healthcare costs rise, conversations about eldercare responsibilities are becoming more common and more difficult. The Missouri woman's experience reflects a reality many families face: children who prioritize their own retirement plans over caregiving duties for parents.
The column serves as a reminder that assumptions about family support in later years should be explicitly discussed rather than taken for granted, allowing all parties to plan accordingly for their futures.
