From Manchild to Mindful Father: Breaking Generational Patterns of Avoidance
Standing at the edge of a high school track, I watched my 11-year-old son Thomas’ face fall as the announcer read out the long jump results. His event had already concluded. I had asked his twin brother, Charlie, to check the meet schedule, and he provided me with incorrect timing. I had entrusted an 11-year-old with a responsibility that was fundamentally mine as the adult. Thomas had dedicated months to training. Now he stood there, fighting back tears, while other children celebrated their achievements. What struck me most profoundly was not merely that Thomas missed his event. It was that I had failed both of my sons. One missed a significant competition he had prepared for extensively. The other was burdened with unwarranted blame. Both outcomes rested squarely on my shoulders.
The Pattern of Avoidance
That pivotal moment illuminated a troubling pattern I had been hesitant to confront. Despite being divorced with equal custody arrangements, I frequently approached parenting as a task that could be delegated. I was striving excessively to be liked. I aspired to be the fun dad rather than the firm one—a mindset that led me to evade many mundane or challenging responsibilities. I continued behaving like their friend when what my children truly needed was a reliable, responsible adult.
What I was practicing is commonly termed being a “manchild,” a descriptor applied to men who sidestep domestic responsibilities through procrastination, deflection, or pretended ignorance. Men often claim they are “just not good at multitasking” or that their partner is “better at organizing,” but the consequence remains identical. One individual ends up shouldering the emotional and logistical burdens while the other passively awaits direction.
This dynamic I experienced mirrors a wider cultural discussion regarding men evading responsibility. Sabrina Carpenter’s viral summer anthem “Manchild,” which has sparked dance trends, public discourse, and social media engagement, critiques grown men exhibiting childish behaviors. Although directed at a past romantic relationship, the song resonates with a broader societal frustration toward men dodging domestic duties.
The Therapeutic Perspective
The pattern of feigned ignorance is recognizable to family therapists. “They pretend they aren’t aware of things that most people with kids would have on their radar, like needing a teacher gift at the end of school,” explained Bonnie Scott, a licensed professional counselor at Mindful Kindness Counseling. These habits can persist for years, though some men are compelled to mature rapidly when confronted with reality.
When Man-Children Become Responsible for Real Children
Rene Garcia, currently the owner and lead clinician at Garcia Mental Health, discovered he would become a father at age 23 while still in college. “My first daughter was unplanned, and I had not graduated from college yet. I desperately wanted to be a support for her and felt powerless on how to do so.” Garcia’s greatest challenge was addressing his inconsistency. “I’m awesome at goal setting, but following through is different. You become unreliable and someone people don’t trust. This destroys relationships with kids and partners.”
The core issue was internal: “Change makes you challenge things in yourself you have purposefully pushed down, possibly out of protection. What pushed me was wanting to stop the same patterns from happening over and over again.”
While Garcia’s awakening emerged through early parenthood, other men confront their limitations during crises. Thomas Westerholtz, a therapist and father, reached his turning point when his son was diagnosed with a rare, life-limiting medical condition. “When your child is fighting for their life, you can’t hide behind performance. I realized I was ‘doing’ a lot—working, showing up—but not always emotionally present with my family. I wasn’t holding space for fear, grief or everyday vulnerability.”
Westerholtz admitted: “I used to quietly assume my partner would manage the emotional temperature of the household, birthdays, school forms, noticing when our kid was off. I wasn't actively avoiding it, but I wasn't owning it either. That left her burnt out and feeling alone.”
The Path to Growth and Responsibility
For men prepared to alter their course, the most difficult question they must pose to themselves, according to parenting psychologist Reena B. Patel, is whether they become defensive when requested to assume responsibility. “That defensiveness is usually a sign that you know you’re not pulling your weight,” she noted. Additional warning signs encompass expecting partners to handle the majority of emotional labor and avoiding tasks until another person intervenes.
Scott emphasized that the initial step is uncomfortable yet straightforward: “Approach your partner and say, ‘I want to make sure I’m doing my part in managing our life together. Could we sit together and talk about something like the weekly schedule?’” The objective is not to dominate but to engage with sincere interest.
Planning represented Garcia’s breakthrough: “PLAN! I never used to plan anything. Now, if I don’t write it down or put it on my calendar, it won’t happen.”
Relinquishing pride was the first obstacle Westerholtz had to overcome. “Feeling useless at first” was the most challenging aspect, he recounted. “Vulnerability isn’t something most men are trained in. I had to learn not to jump to fixing, but to actually be with pain or mess: my own and others’.”
Westerholtz now conducts weekly check-ins with his partner and utilizes a shared calendar with reminders such as “pack lunch” and “doctor follow-up.” “Visibility equals responsibility,” he affirmed.
The Transformative Impact of Change
These adjustments have yielded broader positive effects. “There’s less resentment. More tenderness. My partner doesn’t have to mother me, and that makes space for partnership,” Westerholtz observed. The transformation has also influenced how their son perceives masculinity: “I also see my son learning not just how to survive, but how to be a man who feels, apologizes, and holds others with care.”
Consistency became the pivotal moment in Garcia’s relationship with his daughter, yet it necessitated moving beyond conventional activities. “Being intentional with our time, and not just taking her to dinners or baseball games, but getting to know her personally, has built a relationship between us that is indescribable,” Garcia shared. When Garcia volunteered as a WATCH D.O.G. (Dads of Great Students), witnessing his daughter’s joy when he appeared for lunch made her feel supported academically and socially.
Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
These fathers are deliberately disrupting generational cycles. For Westerholtz, this metamorphosis involved redefining masculinity for his son. “Before, I think I believed being a man meant protecting, fixing and staying strong. Now I think it’s about being present, especially when things are messy.” He assures his son that feeling scared or sad is acceptable, and that authentic strength involves discussing emotions rather than suppressing them: “We talk about emotions like weather. They pass, but you don’t need to pretend it’s sunny when it’s not.”
This shift toward emotional openness extends beyond familial boundaries. In his male friendships, Westerholtz incorporates the same vulnerability. “It used to be all banter and distraction, surface-level. But when I started being real about how hard things were with my son’s health, I found that most men were relieved. Like they’d been waiting for someone to go first.” As he expressed: “Vulnerability invites connection, not just with our partners, but with our mates too.”
Patel highlights that children gain directly when fathers cultivate emotional maturity. “They model respect, empathy and resilience skills that their children will carry into adulthood. Partners also feel more supported, less stressed and free to be individuals, not caretakers for another adult.”
Personal Reflection and Lasting Lessons
The ‘manchild’ label stings because it underscores the disparity between how men perceive themselves and how they actually perform. Similar to Garcia and Westerholtz, I am learning to appear differently for my sons. I must be a father who can occasionally be a friend, not a friend who occasionally acts as a father. That track meet instructed me the arduous way. Presently, I verify every appointment, every schedule, every examination and essay deadline. Nothing has been missed since. My sons are now 18, and my practice of double-checking everything still irritates them. Yet I prefer that over disappointing them again.
As Westerholtz articulated: “You’re not less of a man for softening. You’re just becoming less of a boy.”
